Its 10:30 and as much as I want to fall asleep I can't. My brain is running a mile a minute criticizing and picking apart everything I've done or did not do today (I yelled at the kids for fighting and made pancakes for supper which makes me a bad mom for not being able to control my frustrations and not feeding them a supper with all the food groups presented). In an attempt to distract myself I'm listening to My Favourite Murder which is my go to distraction when I'm in my head too much to focus on anything. I put on my weighted blanket, weighted eye mask and listen to their voices in hopes of falling fast asleep. Tonight however NOTHING is working.
My anxiety is probably one of my biggest issues lately. I've been anxious about what feels like everything. I've recently gotten anxious about making sure the toilet seat is down when I flush so the toilet spray stays in and off things. I read in one of those useless trivia books that when you flush a toilet microscopic particles fly out of the toilet and can land on everything. Ever since I read that I've had this weird obsession when I'm in the bathroom to make sure I close the toilet before flushing so it doesn't get everywhere. Little things like this only really bother me at specific times like the only time I worry about the toilet is when I'm in the bathroom but there are a few that typically gross me out. I worry that I or my house stinks. I worry that when I talk or breath some of mine or someone else's spit will land on me or the other person, I just can't stop worrying. When I don't have anything to worry about at the moment I worry about that, what could I be forgetting to worry about. I even worry when I open the oven to put something in that I will fall and my hand will land on something and burn. I know this much worry can't be healthy but all I've known is worry so I find comfort in it. I do plan on talking to my therapist about these worries just to make me feel slightly better and maybe so I don't worry too much about this being a bigger issue then I think it is right now.