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Monday, May 25, 2020

I need to stop shoulding on myself.

If I can be honest I feel like such a failure these days.  I can't seem to keep up with everything that I feel needs to be done.  I haven't been cooking supper as often as I SHOULD (should is a word that will keep popping up),  I'm not eating as healthy as I should, I'm not exercising as often as I should, I'm not as on top of the school work as I should be, I'm not cleaning as often as I should be, should, should, should SHOULD.  These are all expectations I'm putting on myself.  Nobody has or is telling me that I need to do all these things they are just things I'm putting on myself to do. I keep telling myself that I need to be more understanding right now as we continue to deal with COVID-19 but I can't help telling myself that now that I'm home all the time I should be able to keep this place clean and stay on top of things however its like I forget that I have children and children don't like to make things easy.  If I'm not arguing with them to do their homework we are arguing about housework or personal hygiene or whats there is to eat.  EVERYTHING is an argument and its so exhausting that by the time we are done arguing about homework and food I'm ready for a nap. 

On top of all the arguing with the boys about everything I've also been struggling with my PTSD. I've been having a lot of memories come back to me and sticking around, especially at night when the house is quiet and I'm left alone with my thoughts before falling asleep.  I've been using creepy podcasts (mostly the "Lets not meet" podcast and "My favourite murder") to distract myself and I use a weighted eye mask to help me fall asleep.  Occasionally I will have dark dreams regarding my memories which will leave me shook when I wake up and signal a horrible day ahead but I try so hard to push through it with very little success. I can't help but think that my own brain is against me someday's especially when I've been having a couple good days.  

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