I'm so exhausted. Everything seems to take all the energy I have and my sleep in crap so I'm really lacking in energy. Just taking the time to sit down and write this post was difficult because all I want to do is lay on the couch and try to sleep but I made a promise to myself that I will try to get into a routine that is productive and gets my ass off the couch.
I feel so lost. between the exhaustion and all the crap I have going on with my mental health, such as thoughts of self harm, I'm have days like today where I feel just lost in the day, like every minute just disappears and before I know it the day is over and I have accomplished nothing I ant or need to. Its really disheartening and I end up going to bed unsure what my point is, why I'm here. If it wasn't for my sons telling me how much they love me I would have, long ago, just crumbled and disappeared. I know that I need to fight all of these negative thoughts and push through the flashbacks. I have to continue fighting because my 3 boys need me I just want to find more purpose for myself. Before all of this happened my purpose was to help others, help kids get through the day and be there for them the way I would hope other people would be there for my sons, however I'm starting to question if I'm the right person for this job as I battle my PTSD and try to find my place as a damaged person in this world. Working in retail just doesn't feel like I'm making a difference in the world which has always been my goal. I just want to make a real difference in the world and now the thought of not having that is making me feel lost.
Thursday, January 9, 2020
Sunday, January 5, 2020
Today was a hard day. I've been having a lot of flashbacks, due to my PTSD, which has caused me to struggle with the dark thoughts and desires for everything to just stop. Im exhausted with fighting the memories, the panic attacks are wearing on me and feeling like Im living in a deep hole have been taking a toll on me and I just want to spend my days in the darkness of sleeping. In no way to I want to end my life, that is not at all what I am talking about. I did have those thoughts a couple months ago but thats not where I am right now. Right now I just want to turn off my phone, light and crawl up on my bed and avoid everything while hoping it somehow just fixes itself.
Im not oblivious and I know that the only way I am going to get better is by working at it which for this means I take my meds, see a therapist and I don't let the darkness take over, I fight. AND thats what this blog is going to be. I want to use this blog to share my journey through this mess that has become my life.