Monday, May 25, 2020

I need to stop shoulding on myself.

If I can be honest I feel like such a failure these days.  I can't seem to keep up with everything that I feel needs to be done.  I haven't been cooking supper as often as I SHOULD (should is a word that will keep popping up),  I'm not eating as healthy as I should, I'm not exercising as often as I should, I'm not as on top of the school work as I should be, I'm not cleaning as often as I should be, should, should, should SHOULD.  These are all expectations I'm putting on myself.  Nobody has or is telling me that I need to do all these things they are just things I'm putting on myself to do. I keep telling myself that I need to be more understanding right now as we continue to deal with COVID-19 but I can't help telling myself that now that I'm home all the time I should be able to keep this place clean and stay on top of things however its like I forget that I have children and children don't like to make things easy.  If I'm not arguing with them to do their homework we are arguing about housework or personal hygiene or whats there is to eat.  EVERYTHING is an argument and its so exhausting that by the time we are done arguing about homework and food I'm ready for a nap. 

On top of all the arguing with the boys about everything I've also been struggling with my PTSD. I've been having a lot of memories come back to me and sticking around, especially at night when the house is quiet and I'm left alone with my thoughts before falling asleep.  I've been using creepy podcasts (mostly the "Lets not meet" podcast and "My favourite murder") to distract myself and I use a weighted eye mask to help me fall asleep.  Occasionally I will have dark dreams regarding my memories which will leave me shook when I wake up and signal a horrible day ahead but I try so hard to push through it with very little success. I can't help but think that my own brain is against me someday's especially when I've been having a couple good days.  

Thursday, May 21, 2020


Its 10:30 and as much as I want to fall asleep I can't.  My brain is running a mile a minute criticizing and picking apart everything I've done or did not do today (I yelled at the kids for fighting and made pancakes for supper which makes me a bad mom for not being able to control my frustrations and not feeding them a supper with all the food groups presented).  In an attempt to distract myself I'm listening to My Favourite Murder which is my go to distraction when I'm in my head too much to focus on anything.  I put on my weighted blanket, weighted eye mask and listen to their voices in hopes of falling fast asleep. Tonight however NOTHING is working. 

My anxiety is probably one of my biggest issues lately.  I've been anxious about what feels like everything.  I've recently gotten anxious about making sure the toilet seat is down when I flush so the toilet spray stays in and off things.  I read in one of those useless trivia books that when you flush a toilet microscopic particles fly out of the toilet and can land on everything.  Ever since I read that I've had this weird obsession when I'm in the bathroom to make sure I close the toilet before flushing so it doesn't get everywhere.  Little things like this only really bother me at specific times like the only time I worry about the toilet is when I'm in the bathroom but there are a few that typically gross me out. I worry that I or my house stinks. I worry that when I talk or breath some of mine or someone else's spit will land on me or the other person, I just can't stop worrying.  When I don't have anything to worry about at the moment I worry about that, what could I be forgetting to worry about.  I even worry when I open the oven to put something in that I will fall and my hand will land on something and burn.  I know this much worry can't be healthy but all I've known is worry so I find comfort in it.  I do plan on talking to my therapist about these worries just to make me feel slightly better and maybe so I don't worry too much about this being a bigger issue then I think it is right now. 

Thursday, May 14, 2020

I am slowly going crazy.

Thankfully I have therapy tomorrow because I have been having a hard time lately.  I've been feeling like I have so much going on in my head right now which is making things difficult.  I've been waking up everyday with the intention of doing a major clean up of our house which is something that I'm finding to be near impossible to do with the 3 boys at home ALL THE TIME. I feel like a failure since I am unable to keep up with the cleaning demand right now.  Add the cooking, school work and self care on top of everything else and I can't help but feel like I'm drowning.

I try to stop daily and remind myself that everyone has some level of clutter and not every meal needs to be a 4 course meal.  My boys are happy with KD and chicken fingers.  Everyday I feel like Im making a choice between a million things that need to be done and taking care of myself always falls to the back burner.  I'm told on a regular basis and its been hammered into my head that I need to take care of myself or I wont be able to take care of my family and since the quarantine my self care has fallen off the map.  Typically I would go to the nearest Chapters, grab a cup of coffee and walk around and browse the books followed by a trip to the craft store.  Two of my favourite things books and crafts. Its been almost 9 weeks since I've been able to leave the house for anything other than groceries and its actually been a bit longer as I began avoiding going to places when I noticed the number of COVID-19 cases started increasing in our area.

I know that this will get easier, I will be able to get back on top of the housework, meals wont be as much of a chore and my self care will become a priority again.  Like everything there will be adjustments and finding a new normal but until then I need to be gentle and understanding with myself.   

Friday, May 8, 2020


Its been almost 2 months since the shut down started and as everyone is starting to talk about opening everything up I find myself with a mix of excitement and hesitation.  As the quarantine started I could feel my levels of anxiety and depression climb.  My anxiety over the 'what ifs' and my depression fed on the isolation so naturally I was getting hopeful with the idea of possibility leaving the house to do my usual self care outing of cruising a bookstore with a coffee and checking out the nearest craft store and a nice drive with music blasted.  Just writing it makes me excited.  However the anxiety of everything opening while people are still getting sick has me on edge.

This time in isolation has been difficult and not just for myself but also my sons.  Not only am I having a hard time with all of this but my boys are struggling with being out of school, away from their friends, not able to participate in their activities and stuck at our home.  We spend time outside in our backyard but since we are new to our area and the nearby parks are closed there really isn't much we are able to do.  I feel so much guilt and frustration for them.  

I'm struggling with how much we should continue to self isolate as the restrictions are being lifted.  I want my kids to be able to get out and play with their friends and have fun but at the same time I want to make sure they dont end up in the hospital.  This is where my anxiety comes in, I let my anxiety talk me into keeping up with our self isolation, we stay home and continue to stay home and away from others unless its completely necessary then my anxiety latches onto me about keeping them from having fun and getting out.  It feels like a lose lose all around.    

Thursday, January 9, 2020

January 9, 2020

I'm so exhausted.  Everything seems to take all the energy I have and my sleep in crap so I'm really lacking in energy.  Just taking the time to sit down and write this post was difficult because all I want to do is lay on the couch and try to sleep but I made a promise to myself that I will try to get into a routine that is productive and gets my ass off the couch.
I feel so lost. between the exhaustion and all the crap I have going on with my mental health, such as thoughts of self harm,  I'm have days like today where I feel just lost in the day, like every minute just disappears and before I know it the day is over and I have accomplished nothing I ant or need to.  Its really disheartening and I end up going to bed unsure what my point is, why I'm here.  If it wasn't for my sons telling me how much they love me I would have, long ago, just crumbled and disappeared.  I know that I need to fight all of these negative thoughts and push through the flashbacks.  I have to continue fighting because my 3 boys need me I just want to find more purpose for myself.  Before all of this happened my purpose was to help others, help kids get through the day and be there for them the way I would hope other people would be there for my sons, however I'm starting to question if I'm the right person for this job as I battle my PTSD and try to find my place  as a damaged person in this world. Working in retail just doesn't feel like I'm making a difference in the world which has always been my goal.  I just want to make a real difference in the world and now the thought of not having that is making me feel lost.

Sunday, January 5, 2020

January 2, 2020 Possible Trigger Warning

Today was a hard day.  I've been having a lot of flashbacks, due to my PTSD,  which has caused me to struggle with the dark thoughts and desires for everything to just stop.  Im exhausted with fighting the memories,  the panic attacks are wearing on me and feeling like Im living in a deep hole have been taking a toll on me and I just want to spend my days in the darkness of sleeping.  In no way to I want to end my life, that is not at all what I am talking about.  I did have those thoughts a couple months ago but thats not where I am right now.  Right now I just want to turn off my phone, light and crawl up on my bed and avoid everything while hoping it somehow just fixes itself. 
Im not oblivious and I know that the only way I am going to get better is by working at it which for this means I take my meds, see a therapist and I don't let the darkness take over, I fight. AND thats what this blog is going to be.  I want to use this blog to share my journey through this mess that has become my life.