Tuesday, October 9, 2018

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I've been noticeably absent lately.  I've had people asking me if I'm doing ok and while I give the standard answer of 'yeah I'm ok' but to be honest I have no clue how I'm doing. 
Ive become the team manager of my 10-year-old son's hockey team which has been a nice thing to bury my head in.  With it being the start of the season there is a lot to do but as I'm filling in volunteer positions, delegating tasks and getting things done Im starting to find I can't just bury my head anymore and I need to take a second and acknoledge that I've hit a difficult spot. 
I'm not sure about everyone else but I've been following the Christine Blasey Ford story and it has left me heartbroken to be honest.  I'm a survivor of sexual assault as well as childhood sexual abuse and I never reported it.  Watching everything that happened to Christine Blasey Ford I was reminded why.  I did tell a trusted adult about my childhood sexual abuse and nothing was done, I was actually sent to sleep in a bed with my abuser immediately after talking about it.  When I was later sexually assaulted I was told what would happen if I reported it and took it to court and the LAST thing I wanted was to sit in a room and have my personal history picked apart, be accused of lying or trying to get attention.  The same crap people accuse Christine Blasey Ford of doing.  If I wanted to get attention I had the means of doing it, I had the attention I wanted I played hockey and I had my friends which were everything I wanted. 
I can only imagine what other people suffer through because of their trauma what I do know is what I go through.  I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to my assaults.  I get flashbacks, anxiety and I struggle hard to put myself in voulnerable situations or even social situations.  I have a hard time being open and honest with people out of a fear that nobody will believe me, trust me or accept me. 
This Christine Blasey Ford story has made me face these feelings and no matter how far I run or try to hide from them they will always be there until I confront them. 

<3
Christal

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