Wednesday, October 31, 2018

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Halloween is my favorite event. As a kid I practically lived for Halloween and not just for the trick-or-treating I loved dressing up and pretending I was someone else, even if it was just for a day.
When I was a kid I was bullied and abused and I had major anxiety and depression so the idea that for just 24 hours I could dress up and be Igor, a hockey player, a witch, doctor anything I wanted to be was a nice break.
Like any kid I loved trick-or-treating.  The candy was awesome but the freedom was the greatest.  We were able to run from door to door around our large neighborhood in the dark with little to no supervision. It was fantastic.  it was one of the only times my brother sister and I were able to get along without fighting.  When we were done and would get home sort through our candy to make trades and I would leave my costume on until the bitter end to hand out candy to my friends when they came around.
Now that I'm a mom I don't dress up but I really love helping my boys dress up in whatever costume they choose.  I don't dress up and trick or treat but watching them do it makes my heart light up knowing that no matter what may be going on they also get that one day a year where they can pretend to be someone or something they dream of being to just escape the harshness that the world can be sometimes.
<3
Christal


Friday, October 26, 2018

Friends

Today Rhys and I had a play date and it was exactly what I needed. It had been so long since I've had real friend time and Rhys had a great time playing with his BFF, I even got yelled at when we got home and he woke from his mini nap only to realize we did in fact leave.  Trying to get life on track has been difficult, to say the least, and to just have some time with someone I consider one of my closest friends to bitch about life and just be me around felt great and put me in a better mood.  It made me realize that in this epic search to figure out a self-care routine I realized that I'm not putting in the time for my friends.  I need more time with grownups that don't judge, compare or in any other way make me feel like I'm not doing my best as a mom or person.  I need to be around those that don't need excuses for why my house is messy, those that don't judge me when I say my kids have spent all day playing video games and those that are there when I just need to complain about having to buy milk for the 5th time in a week, among other things. 
I've always felt like I was alone growing up.  Don't get me wrong I had a bunch of friends but I never had people that I shared things about myself with and now as an adult I catch myself, in a way, hiding myself from people, not really giving myself permission to be my true self around a lot of people because lets be honest my true self is a brash, foul mouth, no filter person who says what's on their mind and has a tendency to share too much and scare people off so I just try to hide that side until I feel comfortable and safe.
Tonight as I was getting my planner set up I wrote in big loud letters 'more time with friends' and I've added it to my self-care plan now to just remember to set up more play dates.   

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

ramblings of a frustrated mom

**I apologize in advance for the rambling jumpy nature of this post.  I'm writing it through a haze of frustration, fog-like mental health struggle. I felt the need to post it flaws and all**

I'm sitting here binge eating candy I bought for Halloween but we all know that it will be eaten LONG before Halloween. I had a shitty and stressful day today complete with wiping actual crap off the bathroom floor and being told countless times that I'm a 'bad mom' because I made the boys go to school, didn't give one of my boy's money to buy something at school, blah blah blah. There always seems to be something I'm not doing right or something that makes me a 'bad mom'.  I'm exhausted with it all. 
There never seems to be enough time in the day to give everyone what they want. Being tired or just wanting to be alone isn't good enough.  I feel like my only reason for living is to do and be whatever someone else needs me to be. Now I do love my family fiercely however I'm sick of not being able to feel or be something other than MOM without judgment or guilt. I hate that in order to express my true feelings I always have to inject in there somewhere 'I really do love my family' like actually having feelings that are not all roses and sunshine somehow means I hate my life and I don't love my family. 
I love my boys with every fiber of my being but that doesn't mean they don't act like bratty idiots sometimes hell I act like a bratty idiot sometimes its human nature.

Monday, October 22, 2018

the start of something

The easiest way for me to know that I'm starting to slowly slip into my depression is by looking at my eating habits.  Tonight I had 2 rows of Oreos, an M&M chocolate bar and a small bag of cheezies.   I feel the need to make sure I put in that it was a small bag so I look like less of a pig then I feel.
Today when I woke up it was around 1 so I ended up on the couch and crashed watching Lockup on Netflix.  Before dozing off I knew that today was going to be a shitty day.  I woke up and managed to nag and yell at the boys enough to get them out the door for school on time AWESOME, until I sat on my bed to start getting ready to get dressed when the cloud just hit me right in the face and my body felt like a 2 tonne weight just unwilling to get up.  I was eventually able to talk myself into getting myself up and ready to take R to his day home but all day I was dragging ass.
Im going to try harder tomorrow to get my ass up and going, maybe even hit the gym after being out for a while.  I really want to get back on point but I know that the first struggle is going to be getting my eating back on track and the rest will start to follow. Ill try to post more as I go along on whatever this turns out to be, a blip or setback, we will see
Stay tuned
<3 Christal

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Im a human too

Wow, I took a bit of a break there without actually taking a break from anything.  struggling with mental health, or at least my struggle with my mental health is a constant battle. I was having good days, I felt great my house was clean, I was eating properly and even noticed a change in my weight and confidence.  Fast forward to now I haven't showered in about 3 days, which for me is a long time,  I haven't cooked a proper hot meal in like a week and I've neglected this blog.  I'm not sure why the sudden deflation but it happened. 

Last night was kind of a reality check night for me. I've been trying to bust my ass and stay on top of everything with very little help and let me say that a house of 4 boys gets messy and smelly FAST plus it takes 5 minutes for the laundry to pile to the roof.  I am overwhelmed.  Somehow my anxiety has latched onto this expectation that I should be doing more then I am.  I've let the voices and judgments of others get into my head and make me feel like I am less than I actually am but I am a person.  A person with flaws, values and feelings.  I have things that are more important to me, such as instilling kindness, accepting and loving qualities in my sons and making sure they are good people.  I don't care if their dressers are overflowing with clean clothes I care that they are good friends and that they are accepting, fair and polite.  Matching socks or raising good people? I will always choose to raise good people.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I've been noticeably absent lately.  I've had people asking me if I'm doing ok and while I give the standard answer of 'yeah I'm ok' but to be honest I have no clue how I'm doing. 
Ive become the team manager of my 10-year-old son's hockey team which has been a nice thing to bury my head in.  With it being the start of the season there is a lot to do but as I'm filling in volunteer positions, delegating tasks and getting things done Im starting to find I can't just bury my head anymore and I need to take a second and acknoledge that I've hit a difficult spot. 
I'm not sure about everyone else but I've been following the Christine Blasey Ford story and it has left me heartbroken to be honest.  I'm a survivor of sexual assault as well as childhood sexual abuse and I never reported it.  Watching everything that happened to Christine Blasey Ford I was reminded why.  I did tell a trusted adult about my childhood sexual abuse and nothing was done, I was actually sent to sleep in a bed with my abuser immediately after talking about it.  When I was later sexually assaulted I was told what would happen if I reported it and took it to court and the LAST thing I wanted was to sit in a room and have my personal history picked apart, be accused of lying or trying to get attention.  The same crap people accuse Christine Blasey Ford of doing.  If I wanted to get attention I had the means of doing it, I had the attention I wanted I played hockey and I had my friends which were everything I wanted. 
I can only imagine what other people suffer through because of their trauma what I do know is what I go through.  I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to my assaults.  I get flashbacks, anxiety and I struggle hard to put myself in voulnerable situations or even social situations.  I have a hard time being open and honest with people out of a fear that nobody will believe me, trust me or accept me. 
This Christine Blasey Ford story has made me face these feelings and no matter how far I run or try to hide from them they will always be there until I confront them. 

<3
Christal

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Its going to get interesting.

I went ahead and did something that will either be fun or stressful for the next few months.  I went ahead and volunteered to be the team manager for B's hockey team.  I'm excited to get involved, which is something B has been asking me forever but I've been neck deep in my depression, anxiety, and PTSD I just couldn't. I'm ready to give it a shot now and see how it goes.  My support circle is strong and wide and I know that if/when I need help I will have it if I need a little pep talk or someone to lend a helping hand it's there and that makes me feel ready to take on such a HUGE task.  Being a team manager is a huge responsibility and I feel like I'm ready to give it a try.