Tuesday, September 11, 2018

sometimes my brain breaks

I'm standing in a long hallway, the only source of light is a window covering one wall.  It looks like a beautiful sunny day out but there must be a layer of filth covering the glass because the only light is filtering in gray and dingy.  I feel the motions of moving through the world. I see the things my body passes; a tree, a friend, a flower but their beauty escapes me because I only see shades of dull gray.
As I look out the window I notice my son running to me and giving me a hug that I cannot feel, I am numb. He starts talking to me and somehow I respond even though I don't register a single word he says.
No matter what I try I cannot take control; I remain numb, I cannot speak I cannot get the filth off the window nothing.  The sky remains dull and I cannot feel the warmth of my son's tight hug
I have no idea what triggered it this time but I know it will pass so I keep reminding myself that I am safe and this will end.
I always dread these moments and they are always so hard to recover from but I make it through every time. 

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