Sunday, September 2, 2018

Pizza and ice cream

Today when I woke up I immediately felt the itch that I had to do something, anything, today so I went to the gym.  I'm not sure whats been going on with my head lately but just the idea of sitting still makes my anxiety start to build. On my way to the gym I started having a mini panic attack, I was able to quickly get control again but it just makes me realize that even though I've come quite far from where I started on this journey and I may start to think that I am standing on top my brain smacks my ass back down a peg and puts me back where it wants me. 

One of the hardest things I've had to learn to accept is that antidepressants, anti-anxieties, and mental illness will be my lifelong companion.  I still try to hold out a little hope that at some point I won't have to take pills before I go to bed just so I can wake up and function as a mom and person. 

When I got to the gym I went right to the weights. I needed to feel my muscles work hard and the sweat drip down my face.  The gym is where I go to feel like me.  I don't have panic attacks or disassociate at the gym I just work hard and hope for sore muscles.  Going to the gym is one of my grounding techniques and on the days where I feel the urge to work out, like this morning I know I need to listen so that's what I did this morning. 
I worked out for about an hour on my arms, which are one of the parts I'm the most unhappy with.  While working my muscles I listened to Eminem, Jay Z, and Drake which are my top 3 artists to listen to while working out. 

I decided that for supper I would try to have one last night of fun with the boys before school and work start back up so I bought the stuff needed to make pizzas and sundaes, it was a huge hit with my boys and Even my baby ate half a small pizza by himself which never happens.  The sprinkles I got for our sundaes were pumpkins and ghosts which were a huge hit.  It was my light of the day and made me feel like maybe I have finally figured out some part of being a mom, which will last until bedtime.

That all leads to now.  I feel satisfied with my day, it been a day with ups and downs but I was able to handle the downs better then I have in the past.  Everyone feels full and loved and now the major fight is known as bedtime is up next but I will enjoy the calmness that is right now.
<3 Christal
 Happy Hungry Baby
Exhausted At The Gym


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