Monday, September 3, 2018

My last mental health crisis

~~**~~TRIGGER WARNING~~**~~

I struggle with CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Depression, Anxiety and I am a mom.  These things are difficult enough on their own and when you put them together and you have a heavy situation.

When I gave birth to my smallest boy, R, it was through an emergency c-section and he had a really rough start that involved medical intervention and a NICU stay.  My CPTSD was triggered and caused me to have major struggles for about 2 years.  For the first 2 years of my baby's life, I struggled hard to let him out of my arms or trust anyone else with him.  When he was born I was convinced that I lost my baby so I was terrified to let him go anywhere without me because I was convinced I would lose him.

                                                   Apr. 2015 the first time I held my baby

My fear and depression got so bad that I spent my days sleeping only waking up to stare at my baby boy or make an appearance somewhere for my bigger boys with my mommy mask on pretending that I was totally normal smiling and nodding at all the typical questions a new mom would be asked. There were days where I would barely eat because I was feeling too much and then there were the days I would stuff myself until I wanted to make myself throw up just so I could feel something, These days I still occasionally struggle with these feelings but I have better ways to cope now thank goodness.  I found the journeys out of my bed to be very difficult and stressful. I would usually sleep the rest of the day away after we would get home.  Those days are still foggy as I was either sleeping or acting like nothing was wrong.

My oldest boys didn't seem troubled by the change in my behavior, I still showed up to hockey games and school events, I was still at home for snuggles and chats, I was still present for them I just slept a lot more and I was seeing a therapist and my doctor more as I tried to get a grip on my new reality and trying to find medication that helped me become my true self again. 

                                                                     My baby Jun. 2015

My baby is now 3 and a bit and I'm in a better place so things are still a little fresh and my medication, although well established, is still being tweaked a little.  I am doing much better and I am able to realize the signs when my mental illnesses start to make noises again; when I start to question myself, get frustrated or angry about everything I am able to stop realize what's happening and go use my coping techniques to get a grip of my self, do what I have to do so I have control again and I am able to be the best mom I can be.

                                                      My baby and I today

My mental illness will be a part of my life and there will probably be more dark times but I have to do my best to get a hold of myself and do what I have to do to make it through the darkness and into the sunlight because I have 3 people that need me to be the best person I can be.

<3 Christal

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