Thursday, September 27, 2018

Being a parent with mental illness *Trigger Warning*

I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), Depression and Generalized Anxiety. Now my CPTSD started when I was about 6 years old and I was molested for the first time. It lasted about 5 years (well I only remember 5 years but my brain has shut a lot of my childhood so it could have been longer) then I had been physically and emotionally abused, sexually assaulted and put in a very dangerous situation where I was pretty confident someone was going to end up murdered.  Now I'm not putting this out there to be like 'pity me for all I have been through give me all the attention'.  As a matter of fact, I absolutely HATE attention and I'm one of the last people who would think that I have done anything special surviving everything I'm the exact opposite really, I was raised to never feel bad about anything I went through or proud of things I have done.  There will always be someone worse of and someone better than me. 

I'm writing this because as I often do I was feeling like an absolute shitty mom this morning. I was fighting with my 2 boys to get them out the door to school and I got angry with my littlest because he decided he needed to lick salt off the counter so he poured it all out of the shakers.  After listening to my oldest call me the worst mom in the world (if only he knew lol) I started looking up stats about how mental illness affects children.  How does a parents mental health affect a child?  I fell down this rabbit hole very fast and I learned A LOT about other peoples opinions such as due to the abuse I suffered I will/should become an abuser as well,  my boys will have severe PTSD themselves because my trauma somehow transferred to them or some crap like that.  Those are just 2 of the ones that made me the angriest.

Now after sitting with the information I read feeling horrible, guilty and like I've ruined my boys for just being here I started looking at the way our family is.  Yes, my boys know that moms brain is broken but I take my pills every night which helps my brain work but my boys also know that they can tell me anything good, bad, ugly, silly, and boring and I will listen to them because they are the most important people in my life.  They know that no matter what they do or say to me I love them from the top of my head to the tips of my toes because my love for them is unconditional.  They also know that I will do what I can and then some to make sure they get any and all help they need.

Being a person with mental health issues is hard enough its an invisible illness that comes with A LOT of stigma. Being a parent with mental illness is tough and complicated because it not only impacts you but also your little people so I say, make sure you are taking care of you, they are taken care of, loved, and be open so if they need to come to you about their mental health they can and will because even with a mental health issue you can still be a bitching parent.

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