Saturday, November 10, 2018

On the mend

I'm finally feeling better, YAY. I still have a rough cough but I'm able to function better which is great because being a parent when an illness knocks you on your ass is ROUGH.  I love my boys with everything I have but when I'm sick and exhausted and barely able to get through the day I get overwhelmed easily which isn't a good thing with 3 boys who seem to have fun just poking the bear for fun.  The past few days have been nothing but them trying to make me and each other angry and me just trying to get through the days with a fever, dizziness, chills, body aches and pains and constant headaches to name just a few things.  
Last night the boys stayed with their grandparents and today I'm going to be in bed napping until my baby boys come home and I'm hoping that now my cold is getting better it won't take long for me to get back to my normal, less bitchy, self.
<3

Christal  

Monday, November 5, 2018

Still Sick

I'm starting to feel like there may be light at the end of the tunnel like MAYBE Ill be able to smell at the end of the week. When I'm starting to feel better I'm going to be getting back into the gym.  I've been out so long that I don't feel like I'm as strong, physically, as I was.  I'm really hoping to get back on the work out train soon.  I've been looking on Pinterest to find a good work out routine. 
Hopefully, this evil illness is gone soon and I'll have the energy to work out and write more. Im hoping tomorrow I'll have a better longer post but for anyone that is reading this thank you and let me know if you follow a workout and how you came up with if or found it?

I'm Sick

Well my 30 days of blogging didnt turn out so well but Im not giving up.
I've missed 2 day because Ive been sick. Ive had this chest cold for what feels like forever and, In my opinion, chest colds are THE worst. Im still sick so this post is going to be a short one.

Today my biggest boy had a hockey game, they lost but oh well.  B scored his first goal of the season and it worked out perfectly! It was such a propud momma moment.  seeing his face light up and just how proud of himself he was.  It was at that moment that I realized why we put him in hockey, why I became his team manager and why I go to his games.  To see him grow and get better, I love seeing how proud he becomes when he gets a goal.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

DAY 1 Of 30 Days Of Blogs

Last night after we got home from trick-or-treating and I was on my 5th 'fun size' chocolate bar I had a brilliant idea, I'm going to write a blog post every day for 30 days using random journal prompts or just things I want to write.  I'm sure I will be cursing myself at some point but who cares that will be a problem for my future self to worry about like laundry and cleaning. 
SO NOW

Day 1.
My goals
At the beginning of each month, I come up with a couple goals that I want to achieve and November isn't any different.  This month I came up with 3 goals:

#1 Read and write every day.
 I'm going to read and write for 30 minutes, every day. I will do my writing in the morning while my boys are eating their breakfast which is typically around 6 and it takes them FOREVER so this should give me more than enough time to get a blog written out or work on a story I've been writing.  I will be doing my reading at night as a way to settle down before bed

#2 Drink 8 Glasses of water.
I want to avoid drinking a lot of sugar and water helps flush your system so my goal is to drink 8 glasses.  I will be using my straw cup which I've noticed I drink more when I use it plus its pretty big so for each one I drink I will count as 2 glasses.

#3 Go to the gym or do work out 3x a week.
I want to get back to working out and I have a gym membership that I haven't been using so I have to get back at it.  This month money is pretty tight so instead of just sitting at home stressing and trying to think of something to do I will just go to the gym.  I'm going to have to figure out a plan and make sure I plug it into my planner. 

Hopefully, these 3 goals will help with my mental health and staying on track to achieve my yearly goals.
<3
Christal

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Halloween is my favorite event. As a kid I practically lived for Halloween and not just for the trick-or-treating I loved dressing up and pretending I was someone else, even if it was just for a day.
When I was a kid I was bullied and abused and I had major anxiety and depression so the idea that for just 24 hours I could dress up and be Igor, a hockey player, a witch, doctor anything I wanted to be was a nice break.
Like any kid I loved trick-or-treating.  The candy was awesome but the freedom was the greatest.  We were able to run from door to door around our large neighborhood in the dark with little to no supervision. It was fantastic.  it was one of the only times my brother sister and I were able to get along without fighting.  When we were done and would get home sort through our candy to make trades and I would leave my costume on until the bitter end to hand out candy to my friends when they came around.
Now that I'm a mom I don't dress up but I really love helping my boys dress up in whatever costume they choose.  I don't dress up and trick or treat but watching them do it makes my heart light up knowing that no matter what may be going on they also get that one day a year where they can pretend to be someone or something they dream of being to just escape the harshness that the world can be sometimes.
<3
Christal


Friday, October 26, 2018

Friends

Today Rhys and I had a play date and it was exactly what I needed. It had been so long since I've had real friend time and Rhys had a great time playing with his BFF, I even got yelled at when we got home and he woke from his mini nap only to realize we did in fact leave.  Trying to get life on track has been difficult, to say the least, and to just have some time with someone I consider one of my closest friends to bitch about life and just be me around felt great and put me in a better mood.  It made me realize that in this epic search to figure out a self-care routine I realized that I'm not putting in the time for my friends.  I need more time with grownups that don't judge, compare or in any other way make me feel like I'm not doing my best as a mom or person.  I need to be around those that don't need excuses for why my house is messy, those that don't judge me when I say my kids have spent all day playing video games and those that are there when I just need to complain about having to buy milk for the 5th time in a week, among other things. 
I've always felt like I was alone growing up.  Don't get me wrong I had a bunch of friends but I never had people that I shared things about myself with and now as an adult I catch myself, in a way, hiding myself from people, not really giving myself permission to be my true self around a lot of people because lets be honest my true self is a brash, foul mouth, no filter person who says what's on their mind and has a tendency to share too much and scare people off so I just try to hide that side until I feel comfortable and safe.
Tonight as I was getting my planner set up I wrote in big loud letters 'more time with friends' and I've added it to my self-care plan now to just remember to set up more play dates.   

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

ramblings of a frustrated mom

**I apologize in advance for the rambling jumpy nature of this post.  I'm writing it through a haze of frustration, fog-like mental health struggle. I felt the need to post it flaws and all**

I'm sitting here binge eating candy I bought for Halloween but we all know that it will be eaten LONG before Halloween. I had a shitty and stressful day today complete with wiping actual crap off the bathroom floor and being told countless times that I'm a 'bad mom' because I made the boys go to school, didn't give one of my boy's money to buy something at school, blah blah blah. There always seems to be something I'm not doing right or something that makes me a 'bad mom'.  I'm exhausted with it all. 
There never seems to be enough time in the day to give everyone what they want. Being tired or just wanting to be alone isn't good enough.  I feel like my only reason for living is to do and be whatever someone else needs me to be. Now I do love my family fiercely however I'm sick of not being able to feel or be something other than MOM without judgment or guilt. I hate that in order to express my true feelings I always have to inject in there somewhere 'I really do love my family' like actually having feelings that are not all roses and sunshine somehow means I hate my life and I don't love my family. 
I love my boys with every fiber of my being but that doesn't mean they don't act like bratty idiots sometimes hell I act like a bratty idiot sometimes its human nature.

Monday, October 22, 2018

the start of something

The easiest way for me to know that I'm starting to slowly slip into my depression is by looking at my eating habits.  Tonight I had 2 rows of Oreos, an M&M chocolate bar and a small bag of cheezies.   I feel the need to make sure I put in that it was a small bag so I look like less of a pig then I feel.
Today when I woke up it was around 1 so I ended up on the couch and crashed watching Lockup on Netflix.  Before dozing off I knew that today was going to be a shitty day.  I woke up and managed to nag and yell at the boys enough to get them out the door for school on time AWESOME, until I sat on my bed to start getting ready to get dressed when the cloud just hit me right in the face and my body felt like a 2 tonne weight just unwilling to get up.  I was eventually able to talk myself into getting myself up and ready to take R to his day home but all day I was dragging ass.
Im going to try harder tomorrow to get my ass up and going, maybe even hit the gym after being out for a while.  I really want to get back on point but I know that the first struggle is going to be getting my eating back on track and the rest will start to follow. Ill try to post more as I go along on whatever this turns out to be, a blip or setback, we will see
Stay tuned
<3 Christal

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Im a human too

Wow, I took a bit of a break there without actually taking a break from anything.  struggling with mental health, or at least my struggle with my mental health is a constant battle. I was having good days, I felt great my house was clean, I was eating properly and even noticed a change in my weight and confidence.  Fast forward to now I haven't showered in about 3 days, which for me is a long time,  I haven't cooked a proper hot meal in like a week and I've neglected this blog.  I'm not sure why the sudden deflation but it happened. 

Last night was kind of a reality check night for me. I've been trying to bust my ass and stay on top of everything with very little help and let me say that a house of 4 boys gets messy and smelly FAST plus it takes 5 minutes for the laundry to pile to the roof.  I am overwhelmed.  Somehow my anxiety has latched onto this expectation that I should be doing more then I am.  I've let the voices and judgments of others get into my head and make me feel like I am less than I actually am but I am a person.  A person with flaws, values and feelings.  I have things that are more important to me, such as instilling kindness, accepting and loving qualities in my sons and making sure they are good people.  I don't care if their dressers are overflowing with clean clothes I care that they are good friends and that they are accepting, fair and polite.  Matching socks or raising good people? I will always choose to raise good people.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I've been noticeably absent lately.  I've had people asking me if I'm doing ok and while I give the standard answer of 'yeah I'm ok' but to be honest I have no clue how I'm doing. 
Ive become the team manager of my 10-year-old son's hockey team which has been a nice thing to bury my head in.  With it being the start of the season there is a lot to do but as I'm filling in volunteer positions, delegating tasks and getting things done Im starting to find I can't just bury my head anymore and I need to take a second and acknoledge that I've hit a difficult spot. 
I'm not sure about everyone else but I've been following the Christine Blasey Ford story and it has left me heartbroken to be honest.  I'm a survivor of sexual assault as well as childhood sexual abuse and I never reported it.  Watching everything that happened to Christine Blasey Ford I was reminded why.  I did tell a trusted adult about my childhood sexual abuse and nothing was done, I was actually sent to sleep in a bed with my abuser immediately after talking about it.  When I was later sexually assaulted I was told what would happen if I reported it and took it to court and the LAST thing I wanted was to sit in a room and have my personal history picked apart, be accused of lying or trying to get attention.  The same crap people accuse Christine Blasey Ford of doing.  If I wanted to get attention I had the means of doing it, I had the attention I wanted I played hockey and I had my friends which were everything I wanted. 
I can only imagine what other people suffer through because of their trauma what I do know is what I go through.  I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to my assaults.  I get flashbacks, anxiety and I struggle hard to put myself in voulnerable situations or even social situations.  I have a hard time being open and honest with people out of a fear that nobody will believe me, trust me or accept me. 
This Christine Blasey Ford story has made me face these feelings and no matter how far I run or try to hide from them they will always be there until I confront them. 

<3
Christal

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Its going to get interesting.

I went ahead and did something that will either be fun or stressful for the next few months.  I went ahead and volunteered to be the team manager for B's hockey team.  I'm excited to get involved, which is something B has been asking me forever but I've been neck deep in my depression, anxiety, and PTSD I just couldn't. I'm ready to give it a shot now and see how it goes.  My support circle is strong and wide and I know that if/when I need help I will have it if I need a little pep talk or someone to lend a helping hand it's there and that makes me feel ready to take on such a HUGE task.  Being a team manager is a huge responsibility and I feel like I'm ready to give it a try.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Being a parent with mental illness *Trigger Warning*

I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), Depression and Generalized Anxiety. Now my CPTSD started when I was about 6 years old and I was molested for the first time. It lasted about 5 years (well I only remember 5 years but my brain has shut a lot of my childhood so it could have been longer) then I had been physically and emotionally abused, sexually assaulted and put in a very dangerous situation where I was pretty confident someone was going to end up murdered.  Now I'm not putting this out there to be like 'pity me for all I have been through give me all the attention'.  As a matter of fact, I absolutely HATE attention and I'm one of the last people who would think that I have done anything special surviving everything I'm the exact opposite really, I was raised to never feel bad about anything I went through or proud of things I have done.  There will always be someone worse of and someone better than me. 

I'm writing this because as I often do I was feeling like an absolute shitty mom this morning. I was fighting with my 2 boys to get them out the door to school and I got angry with my littlest because he decided he needed to lick salt off the counter so he poured it all out of the shakers.  After listening to my oldest call me the worst mom in the world (if only he knew lol) I started looking up stats about how mental illness affects children.  How does a parents mental health affect a child?  I fell down this rabbit hole very fast and I learned A LOT about other peoples opinions such as due to the abuse I suffered I will/should become an abuser as well,  my boys will have severe PTSD themselves because my trauma somehow transferred to them or some crap like that.  Those are just 2 of the ones that made me the angriest.

Now after sitting with the information I read feeling horrible, guilty and like I've ruined my boys for just being here I started looking at the way our family is.  Yes, my boys know that moms brain is broken but I take my pills every night which helps my brain work but my boys also know that they can tell me anything good, bad, ugly, silly, and boring and I will listen to them because they are the most important people in my life.  They know that no matter what they do or say to me I love them from the top of my head to the tips of my toes because my love for them is unconditional.  They also know that I will do what I can and then some to make sure they get any and all help they need.

Being a person with mental health issues is hard enough its an invisible illness that comes with A LOT of stigma. Being a parent with mental illness is tough and complicated because it not only impacts you but also your little people so I say, make sure you are taking care of you, they are taken care of, loved, and be open so if they need to come to you about their mental health they can and will because even with a mental health issue you can still be a bitching parent.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Screw pumpkin spice, hockey season is here

September is slowly coming to an end which means HOCKEY SEASON is about to start. YAY
We love hockey in our family and we get so excited for the start of a new season.  My oldest son B, is a huge hockey fan and he's about to start his 6th year in hockey.  I love watching B play.  I grew up living, breathing and playing hockey and its so awesome to be able to watch him enjoy something that was a huge part of my childhood. This season Bergen is trying out for the B team which is making him a little nervous but excited at the same time.  He did great last season and has come really far as a player and a teammate which makes me so proud and excited to see how he does this season.
Rhys, my 3-year-old, is dying to play too but he has to spend this season sitting out watching his big brother play but to prepare him for next season we are getting him into skating lessons which I'm hoping will keep him happy until next fall when he can finally strap his gear on and join the other kids.
Oliver, my middle boy, 'hates' hockey. He only goes to the arena if he has to and then he will only run around the arena playing tag with his friends and refuses to actually watch his brother play.  However, he will watch a game on tv if it means he gets to have snacks and time with his family.
Now that hockey season is starting I'm going to be even busier on the weekends but its all part of being a hockey mom, which is a title I love.
Is there an activity or sport that you look forward to? Does it take up a lot of your time?  If so tell me about it and how you manage your time to make it possible.

<3 Christal

Friday, September 21, 2018

No School Today

7am and the fighting has started already.   The boys have the day off school today and as much as I love having my boys around I hate the fighting and complaining and tattling. For some reason, they can't exist in one place for more than 10 minutes without fighting each other or finding something that they need to tattle on the other about.

This morning, so far, I have broken up 4 fights over who gets to sit next to Rhys while he watches cartoons, who gets to pick up the cardboard, who gets to play the PS4 and what time I need to take Oliver to the dentist.  I really wish I knew what the hell was going through their heads this morning so I could figure out what they need to stop all this crap but sadly I can't and the only response I get is 'its all (insert brother's name here) fault'. I cant even send them outside because its raining, ugh.

It is going to be a long day!
<3 Christal























Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Whats wrong with leggings and yoga pants anyway?

Over the weekend I somehow came up with the insane idea that I need proper jeans to look more like a 'real mom' or a 'serious adult' so I set a budget for myself of $40 which tells you how delusional I was when this idea popped into my head.

Off I drove to Old Navy and after talking myself out of all the yoga pants and workout capris with the soft fabric and stretchy waistband I sauntered over to the wall of jeans.  Now I'm a size 18 tall which is almost impossible to find online let alone in-store AND trying to stay in my ridiculously low budget so I'm down on my knees rifling through the mountains of size 6, 10, 14.  Only a few sightings of size 18 short or 18 regular but not a single 18 tall until I reach the bitter end I find one lone pair of size 18 tall jeans so I go ahead and look at the price tag to find that it takes about 85% of my budget :(.  After a little pep talk and recalculating (maybe we don't need groceries this week, kids can survive on water, bologna, and crackers right?) I'm back in the game.
I stand up to take a real good look at my new found 'these-have-to-be-good-because-I-don't-fit-in-any other-ones' jeans to find that there are rips and holes in them to make them more 'trendy' UGH. I live in Alberta and the weather is turning cold and I'm about to spend all my free time in an arena, I DO NOT want my clothing to have holes in it.  I will end up freezing my ass off, and my ass finally has the right amount of fat to keep me comfortable in the stands at the arena I'm not ready to lose that, so back in the pile they go.  It's at this moment that I decide that jeans are the devil and leggings and yoga pants are my BFF. 

Besides if yoga pants, messy hair, and a stained shirt don't scream mom, what does?        

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

sometimes my brain breaks

I'm standing in a long hallway, the only source of light is a window covering one wall.  It looks like a beautiful sunny day out but there must be a layer of filth covering the glass because the only light is filtering in gray and dingy.  I feel the motions of moving through the world. I see the things my body passes; a tree, a friend, a flower but their beauty escapes me because I only see shades of dull gray.
As I look out the window I notice my son running to me and giving me a hug that I cannot feel, I am numb. He starts talking to me and somehow I respond even though I don't register a single word he says.
No matter what I try I cannot take control; I remain numb, I cannot speak I cannot get the filth off the window nothing.  The sky remains dull and I cannot feel the warmth of my son's tight hug
I have no idea what triggered it this time but I know it will pass so I keep reminding myself that I am safe and this will end.
I always dread these moments and they are always so hard to recover from but I make it through every time. 

Monday, September 10, 2018

Figuring things out.

Over the weekend I decided to take the time off and not post.  I've been trying to figure out how often I want to post and exactly what I want to post about and just get some sort of predictable order figured out for this blog as I have goals and hopes to make it grow but I also need to make sure that I take proper care of myself and my family so, for now, weekends will be no post days.  I'll be posting again tomorrow :)


<3 Christal

Thursday, September 6, 2018

fighting my depression

Today started out a bit rough.  My depression reared its ugly head and made its presence known this morning as I woke the boys up for school. As usual, O was struggling to get out of bed and that raspy voice in the back of my head decided to take it an tried to convince me that it's my fault he's not waking up.  That was my anxiety, anxiety is a complete and utter bi*ch.  My anxiety takes ANYTHING and makes it something that's my fault; boys not waking up obviously it's my fault because I don't have them on a strict schedule,  the boys don't like supper because I allow them to be picky, the van is running low on gas because I take too many unnecessary drives to the grocery store.  It really doesn't make any sense but that's how my brain works.

Once my anxiety is starts making everything my fault depression gets its cold bony arms around me and holds me tight and I have a hard time getting off my butt.  I did manage to get my boys out the door and off to school but then I plonked myself down in my bed, put a cartoon on for R and fell asleep.  We had a play date this morning so naturally, I wanted to cancel it and wrap myself in a blanket and sleep until I had to get up but I turned up my ringer and had a 20-minute nap.  As soon as my eyes opened I fought the need to just roll over and go back to sleep and went to the washroom.  I made my bed and put on pants.  Putting on pants, to me is like making a commitment to actually finish getting dressed and doing something.  Once I was dressed I made my bed and got ready to go out and meet our friends for a playdate.
Once we go to the park I could tell I won and beat my depression.  Its still there and doesn't go away for long but today I won.  I freed myself from its cold grip and I was able to have a good morning with friends and my baby boy and we even managed to go buy cupcakes at the farmers market for dessert tonight.

<3 Christal

My baby at the park having a blast. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

My TOP 5 ways to avoid losing my sh*t

Its supper time, my boys are fighting and screaming at each other, the smallest one is running around the kitchen yelling 'I POOPED ON THE TOILET' with his bare ass hanging out, a pot is boiling over and I still have 2 more things throw in the oven but I am STRESSED THE HELL OUT.
I've read a lot of blogs that give tips on how to destress and as much as I appreciate them sharing what works for them I don't find them as helpful as I would like so I'm going to share what I do these days.

1.) YELL:  When my littlest gets mad at me he just yells and after a while, I'm ready to go crazy so I've taken to just mimicking him.  I let him go crazy first then I'll just copy him which end with us having a yelling contest and then fits of giggles. WARNING If your child is sensitive to being teased DONT do this, my oldest son never found it funny so we never did it with him.

2.) Scribble: This is a good one.  When I'm angry I need to get the anger out, as a child I took to hitting things however as an adult with children watching I feel like punching things sets a bad example so instead I grab a pen or marker and scribble the hell out of a piece of paper.  Its not easy on them so I only use whatever is cheapest but MY GOD it feels so good plus its an activity I can do with my kids.

3.) Rage Clean: Don't all moms do this? Usually, I get angry and then when I go in our kitchen or my bedroom (the 2 messiest rooms in the house) I just lose it and the family avoids me so I just curse to my self and get the cleaning done which makes me feel much better.

4.)Rip paper: There is something satisfying about just ripping up a piece of paper, the sound relaxes me and it feels great when I write something on it that is making me angry.

5.) Working out: I'm not going to talk about the benefits of exercise, we all know its good for you most of us just don't want to do it.  When I'm about to lose my mind I like to go do a workout or something that works my muscles and makes them sore.  Sore muscles make me feel like I've fought whatever is driving me nuts.  My boyfriend bought me a little punching bag thing that I love beating the hell out of, it gets my anger out and my muscles are sore as hell.

Now I don't know if these would be helpful to anyone else but if they are let me know.  Sometimes the best thing we can do is step outside of the box and try something new.  I know that when it comes to stress, anger, frustration my aggression is what I need to address so I found things that I can funnel my aggression into and this is what has worked for me. 

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

First day of school

Boys got up and ready for school without killing each other YAY. Now all I have to do is figure out where the hell the time went and how I became old enough to have a middle schooler.
Now for some obligatory proud mommy pics of my middle schooler, my grade 2 boy and my 3-year old that doesn't want to be left out lol.



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Monday, September 3, 2018

My last mental health crisis

~~**~~TRIGGER WARNING~~**~~

I struggle with CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Depression, Anxiety and I am a mom.  These things are difficult enough on their own and when you put them together and you have a heavy situation.

When I gave birth to my smallest boy, R, it was through an emergency c-section and he had a really rough start that involved medical intervention and a NICU stay.  My CPTSD was triggered and caused me to have major struggles for about 2 years.  For the first 2 years of my baby's life, I struggled hard to let him out of my arms or trust anyone else with him.  When he was born I was convinced that I lost my baby so I was terrified to let him go anywhere without me because I was convinced I would lose him.

                                                   Apr. 2015 the first time I held my baby

My fear and depression got so bad that I spent my days sleeping only waking up to stare at my baby boy or make an appearance somewhere for my bigger boys with my mommy mask on pretending that I was totally normal smiling and nodding at all the typical questions a new mom would be asked. There were days where I would barely eat because I was feeling too much and then there were the days I would stuff myself until I wanted to make myself throw up just so I could feel something, These days I still occasionally struggle with these feelings but I have better ways to cope now thank goodness.  I found the journeys out of my bed to be very difficult and stressful. I would usually sleep the rest of the day away after we would get home.  Those days are still foggy as I was either sleeping or acting like nothing was wrong.

My oldest boys didn't seem troubled by the change in my behavior, I still showed up to hockey games and school events, I was still at home for snuggles and chats, I was still present for them I just slept a lot more and I was seeing a therapist and my doctor more as I tried to get a grip on my new reality and trying to find medication that helped me become my true self again. 

                                                                     My baby Jun. 2015

My baby is now 3 and a bit and I'm in a better place so things are still a little fresh and my medication, although well established, is still being tweaked a little.  I am doing much better and I am able to realize the signs when my mental illnesses start to make noises again; when I start to question myself, get frustrated or angry about everything I am able to stop realize what's happening and go use my coping techniques to get a grip of my self, do what I have to do so I have control again and I am able to be the best mom I can be.

                                                      My baby and I today

My mental illness will be a part of my life and there will probably be more dark times but I have to do my best to get a hold of myself and do what I have to do to make it through the darkness and into the sunlight because I have 3 people that need me to be the best person I can be.

<3 Christal

Sunday, September 2, 2018

Pizza and ice cream

Today when I woke up I immediately felt the itch that I had to do something, anything, today so I went to the gym.  I'm not sure whats been going on with my head lately but just the idea of sitting still makes my anxiety start to build. On my way to the gym I started having a mini panic attack, I was able to quickly get control again but it just makes me realize that even though I've come quite far from where I started on this journey and I may start to think that I am standing on top my brain smacks my ass back down a peg and puts me back where it wants me. 

One of the hardest things I've had to learn to accept is that antidepressants, anti-anxieties, and mental illness will be my lifelong companion.  I still try to hold out a little hope that at some point I won't have to take pills before I go to bed just so I can wake up and function as a mom and person. 

When I got to the gym I went right to the weights. I needed to feel my muscles work hard and the sweat drip down my face.  The gym is where I go to feel like me.  I don't have panic attacks or disassociate at the gym I just work hard and hope for sore muscles.  Going to the gym is one of my grounding techniques and on the days where I feel the urge to work out, like this morning I know I need to listen so that's what I did this morning. 
I worked out for about an hour on my arms, which are one of the parts I'm the most unhappy with.  While working my muscles I listened to Eminem, Jay Z, and Drake which are my top 3 artists to listen to while working out. 

I decided that for supper I would try to have one last night of fun with the boys before school and work start back up so I bought the stuff needed to make pizzas and sundaes, it was a huge hit with my boys and Even my baby ate half a small pizza by himself which never happens.  The sprinkles I got for our sundaes were pumpkins and ghosts which were a huge hit.  It was my light of the day and made me feel like maybe I have finally figured out some part of being a mom, which will last until bedtime.

That all leads to now.  I feel satisfied with my day, it been a day with ups and downs but I was able to handle the downs better then I have in the past.  Everyone feels full and loved and now the major fight is known as bedtime is up next but I will enjoy the calmness that is right now.
<3 Christal
 PIZZA
 Happy Hungry Baby
Exhausted At The Gym

 

Saturday, September 1, 2018

2 MORE DAYS!!!!

Only 2 days left then my 2 oldest boys are back in school. The entire summer has been a full ride if fighting, complaining they are bored, don't want to do or go anywhere, more fighting, eating EVERYTHING in the house, complaining that I'm not letting them do what they want and calling everyone names.
I'm excited to have them back out there to their own little social circles where they can enjoy being around other kids that they enjoy being around and only yelling at me between 3:30 and 9:00pm.
IM just so excited I had to share :D

<3Christal

Friday, August 31, 2018

Why the lost sippy cup.

I've been asked by a few people why I chose to name my site 'The lost sippy cup' so I figured I would write a quick little post about it.  Honestly the answer is really simple I'm a mom that deals with sippy cups and when you find a random sippy cup that had been lost your heart starts to race and, if you are like me, you panic a little until you realize whats in it and hopefully it doesn't have rotten cheese like milk in it or fermented juice. I landed on it because my life feels like that moment you find a lost sippy cup, hopeful its just water but anxious that you have a rotten cup to deal with, or throw out because I ain't got time for that

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Hockey is our life

Hockey season is upon us and you know what that means? I get to pull out my hockey mom cheer squad gear and voice and hockey mom it up for the next 7-8months.  I am a huge hockey freak and my oldest and youngest son both dream of hockey sticks, pucks, and red lights. I have to admit that as much as I love being a regular old mom, I love being a hockey mom.  
Before anyone gets confused I want to clarify I am not that mom that screams insults, pushes her child with unrealistic expectations or dreams of NHL stardom for her child.  I'm happy if my boys go out and put their best effort into the game.  My hope is that finding a sport that he loves will teach him all about working hard as a team, making friends, having fun and believing in himself.  For that, I am willing to sit in dingy arenas freezing my ass off on the ice cold bleachers while drinking shitty coffee at an ungodly hour on Sunday morning yelling at my son to hustle.  
My littlest is still 1 year too little to start hockey so this year we are putting him into skating lessons.  He has been DYING to go on the ice like his biggest brother since he's pretty much been raised in an arena thanks to hockey and lacrosse so we figured our best move would be to get him to start skating in hopes that he will be able to skate really well when he moves into hockey.
It won't be long now until our lives are swallowed by hockey, in every form, in real life, on tv, video games, and floor hockey and I will love every minute of it.
<3C

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

UGH

Well, I've fallen off the wagon and haven't posted in forever since things have been a little tough after getting home from the little trip I took with my boys.  I have a post coming up that  I've been trying to put together but it been a bit of a tough one to write so, I'm, not too sure when I'll be posting it.  I've thought a lot of the direction I want this blog to go and I'm slowly realizing that I can't really make it anything I just need to go with the flow and see where I end up with it. 

Monday, August 20, 2018

Flying High

Today I took on the dreaded task of flying with my 3 boys.  I was lucky to have the help of their grandma and auntie, but I digress. It's amazing all the things you can learn by flying with someone, for example, Rhys will tolerate any loud noises as long as it ends up with him going up into the clouds and Oliver is a very firm believer that in order to have a good trip you need to fart in the airport.  I have a feeling though that his 'lucky fart' was just an excuse to fart in the airport and announce it as loudly as possible.
Here in BC, it was really warm so OF COURSE, I ended up getting 2 bad headaches and while trying to sleep so I wouldn't have to deal with it B and Ollie kept interrupting me for absolutely NO reason what so ever and they couldn't stop asking why I was getting angry, Hmmmm...

Here we are though, In beautiful BC ready to go to bed because I've been up since 3am, my headache is creeping back, my c section scar is crossing the line from inconvenient irritants to WTF WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING?

I'll try to post again tomorrow but we are on a trip visiting family so my blog has to take the passenger seat for the week.

Until Next Time
Christal <3

Sunday, August 19, 2018

Anxiety is a b*tch

Yesterday was one hell of a day.  B, my oldest son, had his last day of hockey camp and in all honesty, I'm impressed with how far he has come in just 1week.  My middle boy had a tooth that had been bothering him and had needed to come out so I made a last minute appointment to have it removed anyway.  Well, long story short he couldn't have it removed there so I had to call a pediatric dentist for an emergency appointment and it has been removed.

When my boy went in to get his tooth pulled out my anxiety skyrocketed. The dentist wanted me in the room with him to hold his hand and help keep him calm which as a momma bear I did but this is when my anxiety started to take over. My heart is always the first thing that tips me off.  I will feel my heart beating faster and faster and it starts to feel like its going to beat out of my chest.  Then the next thing is dizziness, my dizziness isn't just of the spinning room variety. When I get dizzy from my anxiety my thoughts, worries, ideas, and emotions start spinning around me and they make me feel off balance then I start to feel like I'm drowning.  Sometimes, if I can catch it before the dizziness, I'm able to ground myself with one of the exercises I've learned from my therapists, but its really difficult to catch it early enough to prevent it.  As the dizziness continues Ill start to disassociate and its all like a dream at that point.  When my anxiety turns into disassociation I start to act on instinct and I become impulsive. (I plan on writing a post on my disassociations later)

I managed to get through the ordeal and my boy came out with a nasty hole in his mouth a tooth that he can put under his pillow when he remembers it lol. He will need more dental work done and there will be more teeth to come out so I will try to be better prepared for next time.

take care
C<3

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Being a Mom Of Boys.

Living with my 3 sons and my boyfriend of 11 years I am drowning swimming in a sea of testosterone.  I always knew that one day I would have a family, after all as a child it was drilled into my head that girls grow up to be mommies and take care of their babies.  I always knew that I was destined to have a heard of boys. If I'm being honest, having children wasn't exactly something I wanted it was just something I assumed I had to do, like taxes or get a job so when I found out I was pregnant with my first son the only feeling I felt was fear.  All I could think was WHAT THE HELL HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO.  Over the following months, until my big bundle of blue was dragged unwillingly into this world popped right out, I tried as hard as I could to figure out what I was supposed to do.  When you're pregnant there are SO MANY rules to follow but once they come out its all of a sudden like a multiple choice test only every option is a correct answer. 

I was elated when I was told that the bun in my oven was blue.  I've always had friends that were boys, I was a 'tomboy' I could play sports, climb a tree and fix things which are all you need to know, damn I was an idiot back then.  For all 3 pregnancies my little guys were there proudly displaying their goods and when I was told the good news I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  I had it all figured out and I knew exactly what I was suppose to do, right, HA HA HA HA.

Nobody ever prepared me for the number of times I would have to tell someone to leave their penis in their pants, to stop talking about poop, or to quit practicing slap shots in their bedroom. I also learned that there is nobody that loves anyone like a boy loves his momma.  I got really lucky with my 3 sweet little daredevils, not a moment goes by where I'm not reminded how much I love them whether its a hand-picked dandelion (my new favourite flower) given to me with THE proudest grin, sticky hugs that leave ketchup handprints on the back of my new shirt or the tea that my son made me because I was feeling a little sad. Nobody will ever love me like my little humans.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

pt. 2 of my struggles.

I was planning on posting this earlier in the week but life happens.  However, I'm nowhere to continue on with the long ramblings of my experiences.
I grew up on the other side of Canada and roughly 11 years ago I moved out here to Alberta.  By the time I moved out here I was on anti-depressants and doing amazing.  I was going out, meeting people, having fun it was great.  Around this time I met my boyfriend and future baby daddy S.  It started off slowly and then we hit the 6-month mark and BAM I found out I was pregnant.  It was at this time my insecurities and fears popped up and I made a tough decision to have my baby boy and raise him with S.  It was one of the scariest things I decided to do.  S and I decided that we wanted to raise our baby in a small town around family and since I had, by that time, cut most ties to my family we decided to move closer to S's family.  I was tough for me to go from a family that barely talked to each other to being surrounded by people that not only liked each other but loved each other and wanted to be involved in each other's lives.  I was constantly looking for the loophole, the 'real reason' people were helping.  I grew up in a very unstable home filled with emotional neglect, addiction, fighting, etc.  It was a really toxic environment and like anyone else brought up in that environment I had major trust issues to name one.  Looking back now I was scared and confused and my depression had darkened the doorway of my mind again I just didn't want to admit it.
By the time I had my second son I was in a much better place and I had gotten back into shape and eating healthy right after Ollie was born.  He was probably my easiest pregnancy, delivery and 4th trimester.
That brings me to Rhys, the baby. I was in labour for 24 hours before it was decided an emergency c-section was needed.  We had almost lost him (I talk more about it in my post 'big reaction for such a small thing').  I was 100% convinced that Rhys didn't make it which was a total mind f**k when I was out of that haze from the surgery and it really played with my mind during his first year.  I spend most of my days just laying on the couch not letting him go, afraid I might lose him if I do. It leads to the hardest deepest depression I had experienced and it took FOREVER to climb out of.  Just now as I sit here typing this I'm finally just climbing out of the hole I had made for myself over the last 2 years.
Right now I'm on Zoloft and Abilify and I'm finally feeling more and more like me as the days go on.  I'm working on going to the gym more and eating healthier.
Every day is a fight but its one I am determined to win and I will never give up.
Until next time
C<3 

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Big reaction for such a small thing

Today I was planning a whole different post, a continuation of my post last Monday but I have something else I wanna write about today. 

This afternoon my boys had their yearly appointment with the optometrist and as usual B and Ollie checked out Rhys, on the other hand, has astigmatism and he wants to get him wearing glasses.  Now as soon as I found out that familiar panic started to creep into my chest again.  The panic that can spiral into  stress, anger and frustration before settling into depression but I fought it off,  I took my 10 deep breaths on the 15 minute walk home, I snuggled with Rhys while he had his afternoon nap and I kept telling myself 'Rhys is healthy, Rhys is happy and Rhys is going to be fine". 

A quick little history might help explain my reaction.  Rhys was born 1 day shy of his due date by an emergency c-section.  I was put right under and as soon as I came to I found out that when he was born he wasn't breathing and needed to be intubated and they had to give him chest compressions. He was a mec baby (a baby that swallows meconium before they are born) and he had to have that removed from his lungs.  Rhys spent 10 days in the NICU until he was able to properly regulate his breathing and body temperature.  Rhys had to have his adenoids out due to sleep apnea and now this.  After Rhys's difficult birth (I had originally thought he had passed on and for the first few days I thought I was hallucinating him) I started to have some symptoms of major depression and my PTSD developed a little more.  

Knowing all that maybe my overreaction to Rhys' appointment makes a little more sense.  It feels like its just one more thing.  I am fighting my urge to let the negativity take over and instead embrace my adorable 3-year-old needing glasses which if we pick the right ones they will last and he will just look even cuter.

Until Next Time C<3

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Self Care Sunday

Self Care is how you
take your power back

As someone who suffers from depression, anxiety, complex PTSD (possibly others but this is all I have been diagnosed with so far) self-care is a HUGE thing that I have to make room for in my life or I fall down into the deep dark hole that is my depression.  I make it a point of having 1 day a week that is dedicated to self-care, a day that I spend letting myself do NOTHING at all unless its something I want to do like shopping or going for lunch with a friend. 
Today my self-care has been tea and coffee while watching youtube videos by 2 of my favourite YouTube channels as well as listening to new podcasts while working on my 'arena blanket' for the upcoming hockey season where I end up spending 80% of my time in a freezing arena.  

What does everyone else do for self-care? Do you make time for self-care and to focus on yourself? 

until next time 
C<3

Saturday, August 11, 2018

All I do is clean, clean, clean

Yesterday the heat was insanely unbearable so the boys and I laid around in my room with all the fans going watching movies. It was a nice way to spend a hot as hell day, however, since I did no cleaning yesterday it looks like the worlds biggest mess bomb went off.  This post is just one way of avoiding the mess that sits before me. 

Last week I had that major lightbulb moment of 'OMG my meds are working.'  I had the house clean, I had been making more than sandwiches for supper and I was going to the gym. The pride I was feeling was amazing.  Now fast forward to today and the massive mess my boys had made in 1 day has knocked my energy and pride down a peg. 

I knew that having kids meant there would be little to no time with a clean house but I had hoped that as my sons got older they would be able to clean up after themselves even just a little.  I am stubborn as hell and as much as my children like to think they are more stubborn then I am they are very wrong and I am determined to raise kids that grow into adults who know how to clean up their houses and just, in general, take care of themselves.  For now, they will clean while I stay on their case because I love them, they are kids and let's be honest cleaning sucks. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

WTF Wednesday?

In my quest to not make this the most depressing blog ever I'm trying to think of 'themes' for my posts and I was thinking WTF Wednesday might be a good one, especially as a mom of 3 boys.
Heres the first one Let me know what you think.

As a mom to 3 boys there are usually a lot of things I say or questions I ask that I NEVER would have ever imagined saying.  let me set this up for you.  I've been potty training my 3 year old for a few weeks now so I am really used to seeing his naked little tooshie blurring around the house while loudly proclaiming that he will never wear pants or underwear again.  I'm quite proud of how well he has been doing only a few weeks into potty training so I try to not fight too much and let him have a little-naked party time before I distract him with food and wrestle a rage-filled toddler into his ginch and let him go on his way.  Today was quite different though.  R came up the stairs from his room as naked as the day he was born yelling that he likes being a 'nakie butt' and after about 20 minutes of naked running around I asked where he left his underwear and he just stared at me with the biggest guilty sh*t eating grin which any mom of a toddler will tell you that look makes your heart speed up and you slowly start going into panic mode.  After 5 minutes I'm practically begging this insanely hyper boy to tell me where his underwear was, which let's be honest is already a weird ass question but I give up questioning the 3-year-old and go to the 7-year-old who HAS TO know and he did.  It turned out R felt the need to stuff his CLEAN ginch into his damn sippy cup.  At this time my heart has finally calmed down now knowing that I don't have a massive lake of pee to clean up off the rug, poop finger paint all over my wall or any of the other disasters that parents imagine when they are looking for missing underwear.
Naturally, my first question was 'Why did you put your underwear in your sippy cup?' and that is when the idea of WTF Wednesday came up because WTF? Why is that a question? I always thought that telling your kid to not eat rocks or dirt would be the weirdest things I would have had to say to my kids but nope I've said gems like this
-why did you put your underwear in your sippy cup?
-get your penis off the table
-don't put your penis in the shampoo bottle
-stop licking the van window
-stop licking the tv
-stop licking your friend
-stop licking (insert anything here)
-Quit talking about killer clowns
-We pee in the house, not outside the house.

Kids sure do keep life interesting.  If you would like to hear more WTF moments let me know in the comments and I'll make something like WTF Wednesday a weekly thing OR if you have any other ideas let me know.
Thanks
C <3 

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Part 1 of my struggles

************~~~~~~TRIGGER WARNING talk of mental health issues~~~~~~*************

I originally wanted this to be my very first post, however, I had no idea how to start or even what to include but I feel like this post is a crucial one for this blog SO I'm just going to wing it and post whatever pours out of my brain. *fingers crossed its not a huge jumbled mess*

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety.  They have been constant companions since childhood.  My PTSD stems from some childhood trauma, a trauma I experienced in college as well as trauma from the birth of my littlest boy. 

I always knew I was a little different as a child.  I was very outgoing and enjoyed being around people.  I loved making people laugh and have a good time, I was a huge people pleaser so I always put on an act and I would pretend to be someone I thought they would want to be around.  I never got along with my mother and I was always trying to impress my father.  I would make up these wild elaborate stories in the hopes that it would make people like me and want to have me around.  I would live in this little fantasy world where I was popular, loved and felt important.  I made up these little stories of what my fantasy life was and that was the life I put forward.  As I got older and had more control of my life I stopped having to put on an act and I was able to control how my life works.


"Complex PTSD is specific to severe, repetitive trauma that typically happens in childhood - most often abuse" (from
https://www.beautyafterbruises.org)


While I developed CPTSD as a child, trauma has popped up a few times.  In college, I was lucky and lived in the dorms with roommates that I had a great relationship with.  One night however while we were hanging out in one of my roommate's bedroom her boyfriend came storming in tossed one of our guy friends across the room and pulled a knife on him.  one of my roommates called the cops and I was terrified.  Ever since this incident I've been on high alert and aware of my surroundings.  Yes, I'm that crazy lady that checks her back seat for crazy ax murderers, and I'm the person always scanning the room for exits and watching for suspicious behavior. 

Right after graduating from college my parents separated and my sister and I were living in our family home.  I took a HORRIBLE job so I could help pay bills and get food.  It all became too much and I decided to speak with my doctor at the time about why I was crying all the time, couldn't get out of bed, wanted to just not exist (which has been a common theme my entire life) and I ate all the time just to feel something other than numbness and sadness.  This was the first time I was put on anti-depressants, thank god I was on my father's health insurance at the time.  I noticed that at first I was feeling better because I was finally getting help but when I was about 3 weeks on my medication I started having some thoughts about accidentally harming myself. For example I would be cooking supper and the thought of 'what if I accidentally cut my hand off' would just push its way into my head and I would take extra steps to keep it from happening.  Eventually, around the 8 week mark, my medication balanced out and I was feeling a bit better.  My doctor at the time, was quite reassuring that I was just suffering from situational depression and eventually it would pass.  She was wrong though.    

I think Im going to end this post here before it gets entirely too long and boring.  I will be back to continue the rest of it next week.  I will have another different post later this week.  
Until then, 
C <3

(picture of me at the gym with a filter to lighten the mood, the eyes are looking a little creepy though)

Saturday, August 4, 2018

working out the kinks

I just wanted to post a quick little update in case anyone is actually visiting my little blog.  My goal is to post at least 2x a week which I feel is doable right now with the 2 biggest boys home for summer break.  I'm currently working on what I feel is an important post that is looking like it might be a long one and I'm hoping to have it up Monday morning as I'm going to spend most of the day writing on it and ignoring my family (unless I need coffee, sweet sweet coffee). 
I also wanted to ask anyone that may be reading this, whenever, to leave a comment about what they would enjoy reading about or any questions. I'm still finding my path with this blog so any help is GREATLY appreciated!
Thanks
C<3

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

'My house isn't messy,
its custom designed
by a 3-year-old."-unknown

Cleaning in my house is like an Olympic sport; "How much cleaning can you do before your kid can fu*k that sh*t back up".  Naturally, the more kids you have, the bigger the mess, the more points you get and the winner gets a maid for a year.  As much as I would love a maid I wouldn't bother at all. If this summer has proven anything to me is that 3 boys are gross as hell and when it comes to cleaning 3 boys vs. 1 mom there is no way for the mom to win the golden prize of a clean house. 

If any mom tells you she always has a clean house and/or kids that help clean without a screaming match I call BULLSHIT. cleaning with kids is like spitting into a fan, which I'm pretty sure my sons have been doing.  You work hard cleaning one room then when you finally finish and go to sit down you are surprised with the massive mess your kids created in another room that now you need to clean up and while you clean that mess you know the room just finished cleaning is going to look like a massive garbage heap the next time you go in there.  

Somedays my anxiety takes over and makes me feel like a sh*tty mom for all the unwashed clothes piled high in front of the laundry room door, the sticky spots on the kitchen floor from breakfast when the 3-year-old decided the floor needed a drink and nobody decided to tell me or clean it up.  Doing it all so I can have a clean house is impossible and, realistically, never going to happen so these days I just throw in a load of skid marked ginch, run the dishwasher then start a movie with my dudes because that sh*t isn't going anywhere but my sanity and patience will so I give up hoping for the impossible and enjoy time with my 3 crazies.
C<3 

Self Care

Getting ready to hit the gym has become a bit of a ritual. Hunting for a clean sports bra like its a mythical unicorn while cursing myself for keeping so many that provide absolutely ZERO support and do the worst job of covering my nipples.  Then I search for a towel that wraps around most of my saggier tummy, thanks for that lovely souvenier children

"An empty lantern provides no light
Self-care is the fuel that allows your 
light to shine brightly" -unknown

I love this quote. To me, it means that, as a mom, if I don't take care of me I cannot do my best when it comes to taking care of my boys and leading them down the right path.  I also read it as the only way to be true to yourself is by taking care of yourself. 

My self-care is anything from listening to some music or a podcast,  going and seeing a movie alone, or even just a shower without someone sitting on the toilet telling me all about Roblox.  These days just packing my gym bag has a way of calming me and making me feel a little more grounded.  Just the anticipation of spending time focused on MYSELF makes me feel like I am able to handle whatever the boys throw at me until Shane gets home.  

People in general and especially parents really need to make sure taking care of ourselves is a top priority so our light can keep shining bright.

C<3   

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Who and what the hell is this?

Welcome to my little spot on the internet.  I'm Christal a mom of 3 boys I'm in my 30's, blah blah freaking blah blah.  I know, great another mommy blogger,  which is sort of true I am a mom and I'm on my millionth try as a blogger but this time around I honestly want to drop the shit of trying to be a perky mom that posts fantastic recipes or rainy day activities you can do with your kids for hours.  THAT'S NOT ME. There is nothing wrong with those kinds of moms, I love those kinds of moms please invite my kids over on rainy days so they can get out of my hair and I can try to scrub the pee smell out of my bathroom floor.  I'm more the kind of mom who looks around the kitchen notices the Christmas wrapping paper draped over the dining room table, random sticky spot by the pantry and the naked 3-year-old staring at the artwork he created on my hallway wall last night and I just grab my coffee and walk past it all. 
I'm an exhausted mom, like most.  I'm struggling, pretty hard to be honest, with my anxiety, depression, and PTSD right now and part of my self-care is to, sometimes, just ignore the chaos.  every day I tell myself, many times throughout the day actually, that I am a human, I am flawed, I have feelings and I need to take care of me and somedays taking care of me sometimes looks like being a shitty mom and letting my kids watch Teen Titans Go all day and throwing granola bars at them for snacks because I honestly cannot get out of bed and THAT'S OK. My kids are not starving, they aren't setting themselves, each other or things on fire. 

A couple of my goals for this blog are to share my experiences as a mom, a mom of boys, a mom struggling with lifelong mental health issues and hopefully show other mommas out there that hey we are people. Sometimes our kids get mad at us and take a piss in the sub pump (yup that actually happened).  Its ok to just lay in bed all day while pretending to ignore that its the 3rd day in a row your child is wearing the same shirt (my middle son tries his damnest to never get changed, he's gross).
Life is messy, depressing and hard but it doesn't have to be lonely.
   I hope you join me and can maybe find something you can relate to. 

Feel free to comment and leave a message telling me what kind of mom you are, what part of you being a normal flawed human do you struggle with most or just say hey. I'm so excited to start on this journey of building my blog and hopefully connecting with other people.

your new friend,
C<3