Saturday, November 10, 2018

On the mend

I'm finally feeling better, YAY. I still have a rough cough but I'm able to function better which is great because being a parent when an illness knocks you on your ass is ROUGH.  I love my boys with everything I have but when I'm sick and exhausted and barely able to get through the day I get overwhelmed easily which isn't a good thing with 3 boys who seem to have fun just poking the bear for fun.  The past few days have been nothing but them trying to make me and each other angry and me just trying to get through the days with a fever, dizziness, chills, body aches and pains and constant headaches to name just a few things.  
Last night the boys stayed with their grandparents and today I'm going to be in bed napping until my baby boys come home and I'm hoping that now my cold is getting better it won't take long for me to get back to my normal, less bitchy, self.


Monday, November 5, 2018

Still Sick

I'm starting to feel like there may be light at the end of the tunnel like MAYBE Ill be able to smell at the end of the week. When I'm starting to feel better I'm going to be getting back into the gym.  I've been out so long that I don't feel like I'm as strong, physically, as I was.  I'm really hoping to get back on the work out train soon.  I've been looking on Pinterest to find a good work out routine. 
Hopefully, this evil illness is gone soon and I'll have the energy to work out and write more. Im hoping tomorrow I'll have a better longer post but for anyone that is reading this thank you and let me know if you follow a workout and how you came up with if or found it?

I'm Sick

Well my 30 days of blogging didnt turn out so well but Im not giving up.
I've missed 2 day because Ive been sick. Ive had this chest cold for what feels like forever and, In my opinion, chest colds are THE worst. Im still sick so this post is going to be a short one.

Today my biggest boy had a hockey game, they lost but oh well.  B scored his first goal of the season and it worked out perfectly! It was such a propud momma moment.  seeing his face light up and just how proud of himself he was.  It was at that moment that I realized why we put him in hockey, why I became his team manager and why I go to his games.  To see him grow and get better, I love seeing how proud he becomes when he gets a goal.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

DAY 1 Of 30 Days Of Blogs

Last night after we got home from trick-or-treating and I was on my 5th 'fun size' chocolate bar I had a brilliant idea, I'm going to write a blog post every day for 30 days using random journal prompts or just things I want to write.  I'm sure I will be cursing myself at some point but who cares that will be a problem for my future self to worry about like laundry and cleaning. 

Day 1.
My goals
At the beginning of each month, I come up with a couple goals that I want to achieve and November isn't any different.  This month I came up with 3 goals:

#1 Read and write every day.
 I'm going to read and write for 30 minutes, every day. I will do my writing in the morning while my boys are eating their breakfast which is typically around 6 and it takes them FOREVER so this should give me more than enough time to get a blog written out or work on a story I've been writing.  I will be doing my reading at night as a way to settle down before bed

#2 Drink 8 Glasses of water.
I want to avoid drinking a lot of sugar and water helps flush your system so my goal is to drink 8 glasses.  I will be using my straw cup which I've noticed I drink more when I use it plus its pretty big so for each one I drink I will count as 2 glasses.

#3 Go to the gym or do work out 3x a week.
I want to get back to working out and I have a gym membership that I haven't been using so I have to get back at it.  This month money is pretty tight so instead of just sitting at home stressing and trying to think of something to do I will just go to the gym.  I'm going to have to figure out a plan and make sure I plug it into my planner. 

Hopefully, these 3 goals will help with my mental health and staying on track to achieve my yearly goals.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018


Halloween is my favorite event. As a kid I practically lived for Halloween and not just for the trick-or-treating I loved dressing up and pretending I was someone else, even if it was just for a day.
When I was a kid I was bullied and abused and I had major anxiety and depression so the idea that for just 24 hours I could dress up and be Igor, a hockey player, a witch, doctor anything I wanted to be was a nice break.
Like any kid I loved trick-or-treating.  The candy was awesome but the freedom was the greatest.  We were able to run from door to door around our large neighborhood in the dark with little to no supervision. It was fantastic.  it was one of the only times my brother sister and I were able to get along without fighting.  When we were done and would get home sort through our candy to make trades and I would leave my costume on until the bitter end to hand out candy to my friends when they came around.
Now that I'm a mom I don't dress up but I really love helping my boys dress up in whatever costume they choose.  I don't dress up and trick or treat but watching them do it makes my heart light up knowing that no matter what may be going on they also get that one day a year where they can pretend to be someone or something they dream of being to just escape the harshness that the world can be sometimes.

Friday, October 26, 2018


Today Rhys and I had a play date and it was exactly what I needed. It had been so long since I've had real friend time and Rhys had a great time playing with his BFF, I even got yelled at when we got home and he woke from his mini nap only to realize we did in fact leave.  Trying to get life on track has been difficult, to say the least, and to just have some time with someone I consider one of my closest friends to bitch about life and just be me around felt great and put me in a better mood.  It made me realize that in this epic search to figure out a self-care routine I realized that I'm not putting in the time for my friends.  I need more time with grownups that don't judge, compare or in any other way make me feel like I'm not doing my best as a mom or person.  I need to be around those that don't need excuses for why my house is messy, those that don't judge me when I say my kids have spent all day playing video games and those that are there when I just need to complain about having to buy milk for the 5th time in a week, among other things. 
I've always felt like I was alone growing up.  Don't get me wrong I had a bunch of friends but I never had people that I shared things about myself with and now as an adult I catch myself, in a way, hiding myself from people, not really giving myself permission to be my true self around a lot of people because lets be honest my true self is a brash, foul mouth, no filter person who says what's on their mind and has a tendency to share too much and scare people off so I just try to hide that side until I feel comfortable and safe.
Tonight as I was getting my planner set up I wrote in big loud letters 'more time with friends' and I've added it to my self-care plan now to just remember to set up more play dates.   

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

ramblings of a frustrated mom

**I apologize in advance for the rambling jumpy nature of this post.  I'm writing it through a haze of frustration, fog-like mental health struggle. I felt the need to post it flaws and all**

I'm sitting here binge eating candy I bought for Halloween but we all know that it will be eaten LONG before Halloween. I had a shitty and stressful day today complete with wiping actual crap off the bathroom floor and being told countless times that I'm a 'bad mom' because I made the boys go to school, didn't give one of my boy's money to buy something at school, blah blah blah. There always seems to be something I'm not doing right or something that makes me a 'bad mom'.  I'm exhausted with it all. 
There never seems to be enough time in the day to give everyone what they want. Being tired or just wanting to be alone isn't good enough.  I feel like my only reason for living is to do and be whatever someone else needs me to be. Now I do love my family fiercely however I'm sick of not being able to feel or be something other than MOM without judgment or guilt. I hate that in order to express my true feelings I always have to inject in there somewhere 'I really do love my family' like actually having feelings that are not all roses and sunshine somehow means I hate my life and I don't love my family. 
I love my boys with every fiber of my being but that doesn't mean they don't act like bratty idiots sometimes hell I act like a bratty idiot sometimes its human nature.