Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Success

How do we really know when we are truly successful?  Is it measured by how much money you have? If you own a house, new cars? Does having a lot of friends mean you are more successful then some one that only has a couple? Does success mean you have a high power job or own your own business? Or are you successful when you're happy and content with your life?  
Currently I'm struggling with my level of success.  I don't own a home or have a brand new car but I feel content and happy with the things I have.  I have 3 little boys that love me so much and are always telling me just how much.  I have a boyfriend that embraces me and my imperfections.  I have a life that I've always wanted and busted my ass to get but I haven't hit those milestones that people are quick to say have made them successful so does that mean that, even though I love where I am in my life, I'm not as successful as those that have those things?
I get told a lot that after being with my boyfriend for 12 years we should just get married as if its , another thing to check off this list of things that people need to accomplish that equals success but that's not something I need to feel successful I have 12 years and a whole lot of things we have overcome in those 12 years which I see as more successful then being married.  
I live in a house that I have made a home for my boys and I and just because I don't own it doesn't mean that I am any less successful then anyone that owns their own home.
I feel like, with many things in life, we need to accept and embrace everyone's own definition of success and stop with the check lists.  If people are happy that should be all we need to determine if they are successful and be proud of them for that.  That being said I feel successful and I'm proud of my life and everything I have.    

Sunday, October 6, 2019

just a story

I remember in my early 20's I went to a bar for Halloween.  I took dressed in a typical Halloween costume for a girl in her early 20's, school girl.  I was wearing a white button up shirt, a plaid short skirt, knee high socks and some ugly black shoes.  I went to a bar with a couple friends, it was freezing so I wore a pair of jogging pants under my skirt which I took off down the block from the bar and stuffed into my fuzzy pink backpack type purse. which was big enough to hold my pants, wallet and camera.  I had a great night dancing and laughing. We were at a gay bar and I felt safe surrounded by so many accepting people.  The laughter and freedom to be myself flowed.  It was a great night, until the bar closed.  We ended up losing one of our friends to a group of new friends that he 'had to' continue the party with so it was just myself and one of my female friends outside the bar trying to figure out what we were going to do next.  We were high on the fun and excitement we just left and weren't ready to go home and crash yet so we decided to go eat. 
Now this sounds like an awesome night and it was up until we were stopped just down the street from the bar when 2 young guys stopped us and asked us to go home with them.  we politely told them no thanks and tried to continue on to eat when they followed us calling us bitched and threatening to rape us.  We were terrified.  Eventually  we managed to lose them and we made it to a restaurant to grab some food at this point we were no longer high on the excitement and fun of the night we just had and we ate in silence.  I went to the bathroom and put my pants back on, threw out my skirt and knee high socks somehow making them the reason those guys harassed us and threatened to rape us.  To this day I barely remember how we got home and I have a hard time looking at the pictures from that night without getting a sinking feeling and remembering those guys.  
I'm not too sure why I felt the need to share this story other then to let other women know that they aren't the only ones and that its NOT ok.  

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

so many questions

I'm exhausted, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm lost.  
Being a mom brings up so many emotions and questions for me.  
All day I wonder, I worry, I fear.
Am I doing right by my boys? 
Do they know the power of my love for them?
Do they know they are never alone?
Will they be safe?
Can I protect them?
Am I the mom that they need?
 

Friday, September 13, 2019

The struggle is real

I'm still struggling to find a balance between work and home.  I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm missing out on so much by working and its so hard when you're working with kids to justify being away from my kids for 8 hours a day to care for other kids.  However I like my job and don't want to just give it up.  I really wish there was a way to make all of this work out. I know my boys are missing me because when I am home they are attached to my hip and I can't get any time to myself which also makes self care difficult because I am busting my ass trying to make sure I get enough time with my kids and wanting to work as much as possible so I can make sure they have everything they need and some of what they want.  I'm also finding it difficult to make sure everyone is getting what they need and I've been putting myself off to the side.
I know that at some point I will find that balance and for now I just have to push through and get creative.

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

A quiet moment

The world is spinning, the sun is up I'm almost ready to start my day. I see you laying curled upon a ball in the warmth I left behind. I slowly crawl back in with you and stare at your perfection. Your long eyelashes kissing your perfectly chubby cheeks. I squeeze you a little closer and plant a smooch on top your head, I have to go now my sweet bubba boo but Ill see you later.

Friday, August 16, 2019

Independance

My heart aches and twists being away from you. Not being able to hold you close and smell your sweet toddler smell.
Letting you grow independent and explore the world is bitter sweet. The world is so scary but no match for your confidence and spirit.
The world doesn't deserve you and I want to keep you to myself but I know that one day I must let you go, I must allow the world to get a glimpse of your spirit, your potential and your greatness.

Thursday, August 8, 2019

my body

I look in the mirror and hate what I see; wild red hair, round tummy, thick thighs and extra skin that cover me. Internally I list off all the things I would change; straight blonde hair, flat tummy and thighs that don't touch.  I pinch all my extra skin and wish it wasn't there and that's when I see it, one of my reasons for the changes in my body curled up in my bed snuggled up with his brothers.  I look back in the mirror and realize that of course my bod is different It created 3 children.  3 wonderful boys that wouldn't ask for me to be any different.  3 boys that focus on the giggles and snuggles, the hugs and kisses. They only care that their momma is there and laughs at their jokes.  I look at myself again and this time I try to see what they see, look past the exterior, and see the person they see the woman they call momma.  My thick thighs have been the perfect chair for them to it on while watching tv, the loose skin was once stretched so tight around the perfect safe place for them to grow, my flabby arms give the best tight hugs and my round belly has been the perfect pillow.  It will take some time but my body is just what it needs to be right now.