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Thursday, January 16, 2020

So I'm Starting a Vlog

Today I took a plunge and started a vlog on YouTube.  So far its just on little 5 minute video introducing myself and talking just a little bit about my PTSD but I'm hoping to do more and help people struggling to not feel so alone. I have a couple ideas for new videos already and I can't wait to get started.
That being said I'm also a little nervous about all this. I'm nervous that  my depression will take over and I will all of a sudden lose interest in doing videos.  Much like this blog my plans for my vlog are to be myself, just open and honest and as I progress through all of this I want to possibly do videos where I talk about more then whats going on in my brain.
Who knows how all this will end up but I'm hoping for the best and for now here is my first video; https://preview.tinyurl.com/ursewoj

Thursday, January 9, 2020

January 9, 2020

I'm so exhausted.  Everything seems to take all the energy I have and my sleep in crap so I'm really lacking in energy.  Just taking the time to sit down and write this post was difficult because all I want to do is lay on the couch and try to sleep but I made a promise to myself that I will try to get into a routine that is productive and gets my ass off the couch.
I feel so lost. between the exhaustion and all the crap I have going on with my mental health, such as thoughts of self harm,  I'm have days like today where I feel just lost in the day, like every minute just disappears and before I know it the day is over and I have accomplished nothing I ant or need to.  Its really disheartening and I end up going to bed unsure what my point is, why I'm here.  If it wasn't for my sons telling me how much they love me I would have, long ago, just crumbled and disappeared.  I know that I need to fight all of these negative thoughts and push through the flashbacks.  I have to continue fighting because my 3 boys need me I just want to find more purpose for myself.  Before all of this happened my purpose was to help others, help kids get through the day and be there for them the way I would hope other people would be there for my sons, however I'm starting to question if I'm the right person for this job as I battle my PTSD and try to find my place  as a damaged person in this world. Working in retail just doesn't feel like I'm making a difference in the world which has always been my goal.  I just want to make a real difference in the world and now the thought of not having that is making me feel lost.

Sunday, January 5, 2020

January 2, 2020 Possible Trigger Warning

Today was a hard day.  I've been having a lot of flashbacks, due to my PTSD,  which has caused me to struggle with the dark thoughts and desires for everything to just stop.  Im exhausted with fighting the memories,  the panic attacks are wearing on me and feeling like Im living in a deep hole have been taking a toll on me and I just want to spend my days in the darkness of sleeping.  In no way to I want to end my life, that is not at all what I am talking about.  I did have those thoughts a couple months ago but thats not where I am right now.  Right now I just want to turn off my phone, light and crawl up on my bed and avoid everything while hoping it somehow just fixes itself. 
Im not oblivious and I know that the only way I am going to get better is by working at it which for this means I take my meds, see a therapist and I don't let the darkness take over, I fight. AND thats what this blog is going to be.  I want to use this blog to share my journey through this mess that has become my life.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

The Lost Sippy Cup

We are never sure how it happens exactly but one day the pungent smell hits you right in the face.  At first you are uncertain what it could be; maybe the toddler needs their pull up changed, did the 8 year old fart?  Something smells... off.  Then the days go on, your schedule get busier and busier and the smell begins to grow and cling to every soft surface.  It doesn't take too long until you've had enough and after driving your 10 year old to hockey you start going through your van play a game of "find that smell".  You frantically sift through 3 sweaters, 5 left handed gloves, a small stack of too small pull ups (just in case), discarded french fries, crushed up crackers and the odd sock when you glance under the front drivers seat.  Pulling out a wad of flyers from 2 weeks ago, you push past a couple empty Tim Hortons cups and a hard Tim bit to discover a sippy cup.  Pulling out the blue and green sippy cup you examine it, it looks harmless as you turn it over in your hands.  You check it for any sign of what could be inside.  Could this be the source of the foul smell that has permeated your beloved mom-mobile? Slowly you bring your nose closer to the object and take one quick whiff.  Instantly your nostrils fill with the smell of fermented milk. Coughing you start to debate if its worth trying to disinfect or if you would be better off just throwing it away and buying a new one.  Its a quick decision, the cup goes in the garbage can that is sitting out side the arena and you head inside promising yourself that you will be teaching your smallest to start using a real cup.