Wednesday, September 18, 2019

so many questions

I'm exhausted, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm lost.  
Being a mom brings up so many emotions and questions for me.  
All day I wonder, I worry, I fear.
Am I doing right by my boys? 
Do they know the power of my love for them?
Do they know they are never alone?
Will they be safe?
Can I protect them?
Am I the mom that they need?
 

Friday, September 13, 2019

The struggle is real

I'm still struggling to find a balance between work and home.  I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm missing out on so much by working and its so hard when you're working with kids to justify being away from my kids for 8 hours a day to care for other kids.  However I like my job and don't want to just give it up.  I really wish there was a way to make all of this work out. I know my boys are missing me because when I am home they are attached to my hip and I can't get any time to myself which also makes self care difficult because I am busting my ass trying to make sure I get enough time with my kids and wanting to work as much as possible so I can make sure they have everything they need and some of what they want.  I'm also finding it difficult to make sure everyone is getting what they need and I've been putting myself off to the side.
I know that at some point I will find that balance and for now I just have to push through and get creative.

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

A quiet moment

The world is spinning, the sun is up I'm almost ready to start my day. I see you laying curled upon a ball in the warmth I left behind. I slowly crawl back in with you and stare at your perfection. Your long eyelashes kissing your perfectly chubby cheeks. I squeeze you a little closer and plant a smooch on top your head, I have to go now my sweet bubba boo but Ill see you later.

Friday, August 16, 2019

Independance

My heart aches and twists being away from you. Not being able to hold you close and smell your sweet toddler smell.
Letting you grow independent and explore the world is bitter sweet. The world is so scary but no match for your confidence and spirit.
The world doesn't deserve you and I want to keep you to myself but I know that one day I must let you go, I must allow the world to get a glimpse of your spirit, your potential and your greatness.

Thursday, August 8, 2019

my body

I look in the mirror and hate what I see; wild red hair, round tummy, thick thighs and extra skin that cover me. Internally I list off all the things I would change; straight blonde hair, flat tummy and thighs that don't touch.  I pinch all my extra skin and wish it wasn't there and that's when I see it, one of my reasons for the changes in my body curled up in my bed snuggled up with his brothers.  I look back in the mirror and realize that of course my bod is different It created 3 children.  3 wonderful boys that wouldn't ask for me to be any different.  3 boys that focus on the giggles and snuggles, the hugs and kisses. They only care that their momma is there and laughs at their jokes.  I look at myself again and this time I try to see what they see, look past the exterior, and see the person they see the woman they call momma.  My thick thighs have been the perfect chair for them to it on while watching tv, the loose skin was once stretched so tight around the perfect safe place for them to grow, my flabby arms give the best tight hugs and my round belly has been the perfect pillow.  It will take some time but my body is just what it needs to be right now.   

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Wake up calls

I'm laying in my bed with a big bulky blue blanket tucked around my body when I feel the tiny toes break through my warm cocoon. A small little Boddy wriggles further into my space and curls up against the soft flesh of my stomach.  Just as quickly I feel the small chubby hand of my 4 year old press his splayed fingers against my cheek. Looking into my eyes while exhaling his sweetly sour morning breath to say "you're my precious momma" before living me a noisy kiss.

Mediocre Mommy

I'm sitting on the floor again, tears flowing down my cheeks, I messed up yet another day today and I can't explain why. We didn't go to the zoo or even the park, we stayed inside watched cartoons and ate soup made from a can. I'm so sorry my sweet buttface I'll try to be better tomorrow.