Tuesday, October 9, 2018

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I've been noticeably absent lately.  I've had people asking me if I'm doing ok and while I give the standard answer of 'yeah I'm ok' but to be honest I have no clue how I'm doing. 
Ive become the team manager of my 10-year-old son's hockey team which has been a nice thing to bury my head in.  With it being the start of the season there is a lot to do but as I'm filling in volunteer positions, delegating tasks and getting things done Im starting to find I can't just bury my head anymore and I need to take a second and acknoledge that I've hit a difficult spot. 
I'm not sure about everyone else but I've been following the Christine Blasey Ford story and it has left me heartbroken to be honest.  I'm a survivor of sexual assault as well as childhood sexual abuse and I never reported it.  Watching everything that happened to Christine Blasey Ford I was reminded why.  I did tell a trusted adult about my childhood sexual abuse and nothing was done, I was actually sent to sleep in a bed with my abuser immediately after talking about it.  When I was later sexually assaulted I was told what would happen if I reported it and took it to court and the LAST thing I wanted was to sit in a room and have my personal history picked apart, be accused of lying or trying to get attention.  The same crap people accuse Christine Blasey Ford of doing.  If I wanted to get attention I had the means of doing it, I had the attention I wanted I played hockey and I had my friends which were everything I wanted. 
I can only imagine what other people suffer through because of their trauma what I do know is what I go through.  I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to my assaults.  I get flashbacks, anxiety and I struggle hard to put myself in voulnerable situations or even social situations.  I have a hard time being open and honest with people out of a fear that nobody will believe me, trust me or accept me. 
This Christine Blasey Ford story has made me face these feelings and no matter how far I run or try to hide from them they will always be there until I confront them. 

<3
Christal

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Its going to get interesting.

I went ahead and did something that will either be fun or stressful for the next few months.  I went ahead and volunteered to be the team manager for B's hockey team.  I'm excited to get involved, which is something B has been asking me forever but I've been neck deep in my depression, anxiety, and PTSD I just couldn't. I'm ready to give it a shot now and see how it goes.  My support circle is strong and wide and I know that if/when I need help I will have it if I need a little pep talk or someone to lend a helping hand it's there and that makes me feel ready to take on such a HUGE task.  Being a team manager is a huge responsibility and I feel like I'm ready to give it a try.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Being a parent with mental illness *Trigger Warning*

I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), Depression and Generalized Anxiety. Now my CPTSD started when I was about 6 years old and I was molested for the first time. It lasted about 5 years (well I only remember 5 years but my brain has shut a lot of my childhood so it could have been longer) then I had been physically and emotionally abused, sexually assaulted and put in a very dangerous situation where I was pretty confident someone was going to end up murdered.  Now I'm not putting this out there to be like 'pity me for all I have been through give me all the attention'.  As a matter of fact, I absolutely HATE attention and I'm one of the last people who would think that I have done anything special surviving everything I'm the exact opposite really, I was raised to never feel bad about anything I went through or proud of things I have done.  There will always be someone worse of and someone better than me. 

I'm writing this because as I often do I was feeling like an absolute shitty mom this morning. I was fighting with my 2 boys to get them out the door to school and I got angry with my littlest because he decided he needed to lick salt off the counter so he poured it all out of the shakers.  After listening to my oldest call me the worst mom in the world (if only he knew lol) I started looking up stats about how mental illness affects children.  How does a parents mental health affect a child?  I fell down this rabbit hole very fast and I learned A LOT about other peoples opinions such as due to the abuse I suffered I will/should become an abuser as well,  my boys will have severe PTSD themselves because my trauma somehow transferred to them or some crap like that.  Those are just 2 of the ones that made me the angriest.

Now after sitting with the information I read feeling horrible, guilty and like I've ruined my boys for just being here I started looking at the way our family is.  Yes, my boys know that moms brain is broken but I take my pills every night which helps my brain work but my boys also know that they can tell me anything good, bad, ugly, silly, and boring and I will listen to them because they are the most important people in my life.  They know that no matter what they do or say to me I love them from the top of my head to the tips of my toes because my love for them is unconditional.  They also know that I will do what I can and then some to make sure they get any and all help they need.

Being a person with mental health issues is hard enough its an invisible illness that comes with A LOT of stigma. Being a parent with mental illness is tough and complicated because it not only impacts you but also your little people so I say, make sure you are taking care of you, they are taken care of, loved, and be open so if they need to come to you about their mental health they can and will because even with a mental health issue you can still be a bitching parent.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Screw pumpkin spice, hockey season is here

September is slowly coming to an end which means HOCKEY SEASON is about to start. YAY
We love hockey in our family and we get so excited for the start of a new season.  My oldest son B, is a huge hockey fan and he's about to start his 6th year in hockey.  I love watching B play.  I grew up living, breathing and playing hockey and its so awesome to be able to watch him enjoy something that was a huge part of my childhood. This season Bergen is trying out for the B team which is making him a little nervous but excited at the same time.  He did great last season and has come really far as a player and a teammate which makes me so proud and excited to see how he does this season.
Rhys, my 3-year-old, is dying to play too but he has to spend this season sitting out watching his big brother play but to prepare him for next season we are getting him into skating lessons which I'm hoping will keep him happy until next fall when he can finally strap his gear on and join the other kids.
Oliver, my middle boy, 'hates' hockey. He only goes to the arena if he has to and then he will only run around the arena playing tag with his friends and refuses to actually watch his brother play.  However, he will watch a game on tv if it means he gets to have snacks and time with his family.
Now that hockey season is starting I'm going to be even busier on the weekends but its all part of being a hockey mom, which is a title I love.
Is there an activity or sport that you look forward to? Does it take up a lot of your time?  If so tell me about it and how you manage your time to make it possible.

<3 Christal

Friday, September 21, 2018

No School Today

7am and the fighting has started already.   The boys have the day off school today and as much as I love having my boys around I hate the fighting and complaining and tattling. For some reason, they can't exist in one place for more than 10 minutes without fighting each other or finding something that they need to tattle on the other about.

This morning, so far, I have broken up 4 fights over who gets to sit next to Rhys while he watches cartoons, who gets to pick up the cardboard, who gets to play the PS4 and what time I need to take Oliver to the dentist.  I really wish I knew what the hell was going through their heads this morning so I could figure out what they need to stop all this crap but sadly I can't and the only response I get is 'its all (insert brother's name here) fault'. I cant even send them outside because its raining, ugh.

It is going to be a long day!
<3 Christal























Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Whats wrong with leggings and yoga pants anyway?

Over the weekend I somehow came up with the insane idea that I need proper jeans to look more like a 'real mom' or a 'serious adult' so I set a budget for myself of $40 which tells you how delusional I was when this idea popped into my head.

Off I drove to Old Navy and after talking myself out of all the yoga pants and workout capris with the soft fabric and stretchy waistband I sauntered over to the wall of jeans.  Now I'm a size 18 tall which is almost impossible to find online let alone in-store AND trying to stay in my ridiculously low budget so I'm down on my knees rifling through the mountains of size 6, 10, 14.  Only a few sightings of size 18 short or 18 regular but not a single 18 tall until I reach the bitter end I find one lone pair of size 18 tall jeans so I go ahead and look at the price tag to find that it takes about 85% of my budget :(.  After a little pep talk and recalculating (maybe we don't need groceries this week, kids can survive on water, bologna, and crackers right?) I'm back in the game.
I stand up to take a real good look at my new found 'these-have-to-be-good-because-I-don't-fit-in-any other-ones' jeans to find that there are rips and holes in them to make them more 'trendy' UGH. I live in Alberta and the weather is turning cold and I'm about to spend all my free time in an arena, I DO NOT want my clothing to have holes in it.  I will end up freezing my ass off, and my ass finally has the right amount of fat to keep me comfortable in the stands at the arena I'm not ready to lose that, so back in the pile they go.  It's at this moment that I decide that jeans are the devil and leggings and yoga pants are my BFF. 

Besides if yoga pants, messy hair, and a stained shirt don't scream mom, what does?        

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

sometimes my brain breaks

I'm standing in a long hallway, the only source of light is a window covering one wall.  It looks like a beautiful sunny day out but there must be a layer of filth covering the glass because the only light is filtering in gray and dingy.  I feel the motions of moving through the world. I see the things my body passes; a tree, a friend, a flower but their beauty escapes me because I only see shades of dull gray.
As I look out the window I notice my son running to me and giving me a hug that I cannot feel, I am numb. He starts talking to me and somehow I respond even though I don't register a single word he says.
No matter what I try I cannot take control; I remain numb, I cannot speak I cannot get the filth off the window nothing.  The sky remains dull and I cannot feel the warmth of my son's tight hug
I have no idea what triggered it this time but I know it will pass so I keep reminding myself that I am safe and this will end.
I always dread these moments and they are always so hard to recover from but I make it through every time.